A response to Roper's question in his post "What Made Me A Dom":

On his recent post "What Made Me a Dom", Roper asked some very interesting questions, one of which was: Anyone got any ideas what makes them tick D/s-wise, about why you are the way you are? Firstly, I don't think of myself as "D/s". I'm certainly not part of the "lifestyle". Perhaps this is because I hate labels - I find they tend towards stereotype and they are limiting. That being said, sexually I think I'm deeply submissive. Roper says that he finds most submissive women are notoriously dominant in their day-to-day lives. I definitely fall into this category. I think that a lot of men think of me as a ball-breaking bitch. Dominant is an understatement. Like everyone else, I've tried to be the person my partners wanted me to be. And, because many of the men who've been attracted to me, saw me first in my "public persona" mode, they fantasize that I am aggressive and dominant in bed. I've tried to be. I really have tried the 'ravenous tigress' thing. I can fake it pretty well, but it isn't me. As I've grown older, I've stopped trying to be that thing that men hope I am. Now, I'm going to say something that is likely to piss a lot of people off, but I am just speaking for myself - so keep your panties on. I know where my submissiveness comes from, and it isn't from a healthy place. If I'd grown up with the right balance of male and female influence - especially on my self-image - I don't think I'd be this way. Also, I think that if I hadn't grown up with a subconscious Judeo-Christian disdain for the purely physical, I probably wouldn't crave a submissive position as much as I do. I have a big, big "daddy" thing. Primarily because I didn't have one. My father was aloof, and cold, and really didn't have a lot of interest in me in any way. So I lacked that overarching benevolent masculine influence that, when present, creates women with really healthy self-images. Being submissive allows me to feel that overarching male presence, showering me with approval, guiding me with discipline, that I lacked as a child. Secondly, somewhere, deep in my subconscious, is the sense that sex and sexual pleasure is wrong. It's not just wrong, it's bad. Obviously, I don't feel that way about it intellectually, but you can tell from my stories that there's always a hesitation on my characters' part to throw themselves completely into the moment of sexual bliss without some structure of permission. Hence stories like "The Changeling". Being submissive relieves me of the responsibility for my own sexual gratification. Although I am capable of being responsible for it myself, there is always a blame or remorse that I never feel in a submissive situation. That blame or remorse is intellectual - it denies me the relief of a purely instinctual and physical experience. So, for those reasons, I am naturally submissive. That doesn't mean I'm naturally a doormat - even sexually. I would never tolerate or put up with any serious physical discomfort for very long, because the connection for me, between pleasure and pain is a tenuous one. There is a point at which pain erases any possibility of pleasure for me - that's the point I am not willing to go beyond. I think the best dominants (I know some of you are going to wonder why I don't capitalize that, but that is another post) not only recognize those particular needs and are willing to fill them, but have similar or matching drives. Something in their development, or their past makes being paternal erotic for them, makes being the orchestrator of sexual activity a turn-on. They get off on controlling the situation - and taking responsibility for it. I've been with a lot of men who were willing to do those things, but in all honesty, I've never been with anyone who actually was wired in such a way that they got off on it. They might have gotten off on the fact that I got off. But ultimately, that is not enough. It's not enough to go through the motions because you are a generous lover. It has to be at the very core of what drives your sexuality for a really good "lock and key" fit to happen. One day, hopefully before I get too old to kneel without my knees giving out, I'm going to meet that very special person: the key to my lock. Keep your fingers crossed for me.