My demon has returned.

I felt him today when I got up. Not immediately but, as I stood there, making coffee, the tips of his gnarled, organic fingers suddenly latched onto the rungs of my spine. First one, then the other, starting at the small of my back, pulling himself up my spinal cortex like some hideous insect. He took me so fast this time. It was breathtaking. I don’t ever remember him coming over me so swiftly or with such overwhelming force. But then, pain is something we don’t remember very well, isn’t it? Perhaps it was like this every time he arrived?

Now it feels as if he’s looking through my eyes: everything I read, everything I listen to hurts, makes me cry, rips at my entrails. I’m a huge open, walking wound with no skin to stop me from bleeding out, no myelin sheath to cover the nerve endings, no armour, no judgment.

It’s been more than ten years since I last sailed this waters – since last I cowered under his suffocatingly dark presence, but I never fooled myself that he was gone for good – he’s in my genes. It’s why I never had children. It’s why I don’t have lovers anymore. Still, ten years off meds is a long time, and I know I’m fortunate for such a lasting respite. I thought it was me managing myself properly, but perhaps I was taking credit for nothing more than a decade long cycle.

Now I have a decision to make: to medicate or not to medicate? Aye, there’s the rub. Because once the Tegretol has started to work, that appalling presence will dissipate along with all creative thought. I won’t be able to write anymore.

I’ve just begun a three-month sabbatical from teaching with the specific aim of writing – finishing Beautiful Losers and trying to make headway on a number of other writing projects.

I wonder whether the timing was coincidental or connected? Perhaps part of me just doesn’t want the freedom of vast stretches of time in which to write? Perhaps I am inherently self-destructive in this subtle way? Perhaps it is just brain chemistry and the quirk of nature – the tipping point, the cycle of the cyclone.

In any case, things may go quiet here for a while. I apologize, thank you for your company when you visit and read, and beg your forbearance.


Comments

27 responses to “Cyclone”

  1. Ohh my. I sincerely hope that you weather this storm with minimal damage. Take care, RG.

  2. Am there, whenever you need you know where to poke me. xx

  3. I hope you feel better soon!

  4. *hugs*, and heres to things passing. May you get through and come out the other side.x

  5. City Different Avatar
    City Different

    Light and clearness to you as you make decisions about your work and your health. A huge community takes you in; we love you, not just for the amazing thinking and creating you share with us, but for the person you show us. Know that we care for you as you take care of yourself.

  6. Take care of yourself, RG

    :Hugs:

  7. Please take care and know that we are here, holding your virtual hand.

  8. A hard choice.

    A hard fight.

    Having been possessed by that demon many times myself, I’m at a loss for what to say. Except maybe – Yes. I know.

    And I’m glad that so much of your work was just published. You can’t fight this with rationality. But it doesn’t hurt to have clear reminders of who you are and what you have in you.

  9. RG, haven’t written in a while but I’m still watching and reading. I hope your demon leaves you soon.

    It’s weird, I was going to message you today anyway to say I had a scary dream about you last night. I found out your true identity and you were a tall, lanky black man. And of course you had to kill me because I knew who you really were. I woke up during a car chase with you hot on my tail. Strange, huh?

    We’ll miss you if you don’t write but take the time you need to get better.

    K

  10. Ken MIller Avatar
    Ken MIller

    I know I don’t have to say it to you, but already know the fastest way to contact me and remember your not my first. I will stand with you when you need it.

  11. I am fairly new to your blog and to the whole blogging scene but I really love your writing. I hope you feel better soon. I know it is not a lot and you do not know me, but I am waiting with bated breath for your next writing.

  12. George Bissett Avatar
    George Bissett

    I’m so sorry that your demon has returned — I have been struggling for about ten years and have barely been able to rouse myself sufficient to do my job …even though I only actually work for fifteen or twenty hours per week with the rest of my time being spent in bed, listening to books on tape or podcasts or watching TV. What’s worse is I’m a counsellor/therapist and many of my clients suffer much like myself. By choice, I do not medicate even though I’ve seen others do well on medication. Go figure. The only time I get up is when I do seminars or workshops and can watch people becoming pumped. Maybe it’s that energy begets energy. Anyway, I wish you the best and must tell you again that you are my favourite author — and your podcasts are fantastic!

  13. Oh, Remittance Girl, I’m so sorry over this. Much has changed in medicine in 10 years. Are you sure that carbamazepine is your only option? Please please consult with a quality internist – since you last walked this dark road better therapeutics may have emerged that will make it livable without taking away all of your spark. You have a lot of people pulling for you, more than ever say so, here. I’ll be thinking of you.

    1. Sorry Kate, but where do you think I live?

      1. I know, but you have the internet, and you’re a smart, capable woman, and I think that you would do much to get yourself off of the horns of this horrible dilemma. Perhaps there is one human being in the country who can and will help? Maybe you can scrape together enough funds to travel to someplace where you can get one single appointment with a prescribing physician? Consider: Valproate: shown to cause less sedation and weight gain. Lamotrigine, Asenapine, Olanzapine/fluoxetine Combination . . . etc. Did they have Carbamazapine extended release, the last time you tried it? Something as simple as the longer, lower dose provided by an extended release formulation could improve your quality of life drastically and cheaply. I just want you to consider that there may be more than two horrible options. Even if it makes you irritated with me, I’m willing to goad if it will get you to consider alternative paths. I have watched my big sister dragged through this over and over, and I know that neither extreme is livable, but they are both avoidable. Regardless, you’ll be in my thoughts, and I wish that I had my license so that I could help, long-distance. I’m 2 years too slow to be of use, and I’m sorry for that.

  14. Nell Gwyn Avatar
    Nell Gwyn

    It’s inadequate, I know, but I hope you feel better soon.

    Virtual hugs!

  15. My best wishes for your victory over your health challenges. First and foremost, take care of yourself, Gorgeous. This world is a far more interesting place when your amazing voice graces the choir.

  16. Rg,

    i may not always comment, but i have grown quite fond of you through your writings, and admire your creativity and abilities a great deal.

    There would definitely be a vacancy felt, in the loss of your presence, by being forced to dull your brilliance, but i certainly understand, being someone who has battled a familiar demon for most of my life – one, with which you describe with such precision.

    It -is- in the genes, and sometimes it’s meds, or bust.

    Having said that, my heart goes out to you, and i genuinely hope the burden that you carry lightens, so you can get back to being yourself and doing what you love.

    Thank You for having shared so much of yourself with us.

  17. Dear RG

    I’ve been delighting in your words for a few months now, and am sorry I haven’t left any reviews for all the delicious things on your site.

    I’m sorry to hear about your relapse, and understand that it’s probably hard to access specialist care in Vietnam. However, with the wonders of the internet, perhaps you can search for evidence-based medicine reviews of treatment for your condition, and see if there are any new medications that you could suggest to your doctor.

    I hope this is just a passing cloud for you. Take care, and thankyou.

  18. Blessings! May the light drive your demon out posthaste!

  19. I am guilty of never commenting, because I am shy and never felt I had anything worthy to contribute – until now.

    I loved your description of “his” return, and you are a strong, strong person for keeping him away for a decade. If he’s coming back now, then it could be because you need to eat, chew, swallow and digest something in your life. Yes, sometimes the black dog tries to drag us down for no reason. But sometimes there is meaning in all the madness. Yes, it could be a decade long cycle. But I would wager that you have fought hard for your sanity and that it is no accident you have been well for so long.

    Try to remember that looking after your whole self is infinitely more important than anything you might write. Your whole self needs attention in all areas. Plus, everything is creative fuel, right? I’ve never known a truly creative person who hasn’t taken every aspect of things in their life and used it to create something. This is rarely soothing in the moment of extreme pain, but helps to try and remember a little bit…

    This site really helped me when I fell into the hole last year. http://www.clinical-depression.co.uk/learning_path.htm (I have no affiliation, just stumbled upon it when I was truly desperate, having no resources to get help from professionals). I’d let myself drop to beyond where light is visible, but somehow I got out, a millimetre at a time.

    And not to be a negative nelly, but your own brain chemistry, hormones and physical makeup will have changed in the last decade so it might be dangerous for you to put too much faith in a drug you have previously taken. Like birth control, the effects seem to vary from person to person and from year to year. I’m not suggesting this as an alternative (how irresponsible and disrespectful) but I have found that Rescue Remedy can really take the edge off even the most alarming despair – provided I remember it exists in the dark moment.

    I hope you feel better soon!

    1. Hello Waveform,

      Thank you for all your lovely advice. I’m not a depressive, I’m bipolar. I have been for almost 25 years. The chemistry is really quite different. But thank you for commenting and the effort you put into it. Very kind of you.

  20. I can’t say more, or put it more eloquently, than those before me, but I am here for you too. Beside you all the way.

  21. May your sun be warm and your skies be blue.

    Here for you no matter what.

  22. Hey you wonderful, wonderful girl – I’m sitting here devouring your latest writings and have only just managed to see this message you sent.

    Others have already spoken up – and I’m with them all the way. You are a brilliant writer and many’s the time I’ve read your work late at night, to alleviate the loneliness when hubby’s away. I’m constantly in awe of how you manage to get to the ‘heart’ of all our secret desires. Shocking erotica, playfulness and often with a fantastic wit, your writing ALWAYS makes me feel good – please remember this when you are feeling ‘not so good’ (trying to use positive phrases here ;o)

    Look after you – do everything you want to be happy, we’re with you all the way.

    *Big hug*

  23. Hi RG,

    I’m another of those who has been guilty of reading with great enjoyment (Beautiful Losers is one of the best pieces of erotica I’ve ever read) but never commenting, and now seemed past time to start. I just wanted to say that even your description of your demon’s return is beautiful, terrifying, stunning writing — don’t worry too much about losing that gift, even temporarily. As oatmeal girl said, you have reminders all around of what you have in you.

    Best wishes from a stranger grateful to have been welcomed into all that you share with us through your writing.

    Take care, and be well.

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