Little Prick

You are currently browsing comments. If you would like to return to the full story, you can read the full entry here: “Little Prick”.

  12 comments for “Little Prick

  1. TFP
    June 6, 2016 at 6:47 pm

    I imagine a striking military man in uniform would trigger such a memory out of the subconscious of a grown woman, say at a graduation ceremony. Yes, a woman sitting in the audience next to her husband. The speaker approaches the podium, a distinguished military man in starch white magnificence, she grasps her husbands arm as the long repressed memory returns in a sudden flood. Blushing as she lowers her head slightly, crossing her exposed legs from under the dress, trying to keep the erotic thoughts at bey as her temperature begins to rise in a hot flash.

    As I have mentioned in the past, you leave much for the reader to imagine, so I imagine…

  2. June 6, 2016 at 10:12 pm

    Always so powerful

  3. June 8, 2016 at 9:22 pm

    The first version being “Jouissance Précoce”. This is very interested RG. I see the additions you made and appreciate why you made them. The Doctor is a different character. I don’t imagine an austere physician saying “I hear there’s a very sick little girl in this cabin…” That’s a statement meant to ingratiate himself. The Doctor in the earlier version makes no such effort. The young woman’s response also implies a different sort of relationship between the two, which is confirmed by the final paragraph.

    It’s interesting.

    I don’t think it’s helpful to say which is my favorite but, as you know, I greatly admire the first story. The two stories attempt something different. I’ll put it this way: In the revision there seems to be an adult behind the voice of the girl/young woman. In the first story, not so much. One can experience the surprise in the first story as if in the present, as experienced by the 13 year old. In the second story, less so.

    The change from “little pinch” to “little prick” is perfect. Yes. I notice you give more emphasis to some of the other sexually suggestive parallels. “dimpled my flesh” is also a strong change.

    The last sentences: “…I told my grandmother how sick I felt again. And again, she called the ship’s doctor.” Entirely changes the character of the girl/young woman. Where in the first version one gets the sense of a realization, a stunned awakening and the beginning that will wipe away the “girl’s” innocence (that is, in it’s way, perhaps more erotic), the second version makes her, in a sense, more of a “Lolita”. This is where I most strongly sense the adult writer’s presence, written almost with a wink. In other words: ‘It’s all okay. I get it. I’m going back for more.’

    The title also brings an erotic writer’s self-consciousness to the whole (though, in the passage itself, I think the change is smart). Perhaps you overplay the suggestive parallels in this second version?

    I think perfection lies somewhere between these two.

    • June 10, 2016 at 12:38 am

      Thank you Will, I think you’re probably right. I felt that the girl’s ‘innocence’ was too twee, and so while it wasn’t my intention to make her more of a Lolita (because she’s NOT the object of anyone else’s desire) I did want to confront the reader with her active desire, rather than painting her as some oblivious ingenue, which while perhaps more pornographic and fantasy-worthy, isn’t as monstrous as a child who manipulates adults into giving her injections that get her off. Meanwhile, I felt that attempting to use a more childhish voice WAS disingenuous and more self-conscious from a writerly perspective. I felt is was more honest to make it clear that while the protagonist is a child, the narrator of the story is no longer one.

      • June 10, 2016 at 1:21 am

        Your perspective on voice is really worthy of conversation. I’m trying to think of the last time i wrote a 1rst person narrative (erotic) from an “underaged” perspective. I *have* written a 3rd person narrative, and one inspired by your first story. I’m not sure it would have occurred to me to describe one narrative voice as more or less “disingenuous”?

        Do you think it’s possible to write an erotic story, as an adult, from a thirteen year old’s perspective without being disingenuous? — or does that only pertain to something in this story?

        • Remittance Girl
          June 10, 2016 at 3:01 pm

          Yes, I think it is, as long as you ‘show your work’ – i.e. allow the mechanics of the truth – the character is not the writer – to show. The 20th Century belief that the writer must always be an invisible hand is a stylistic turn like any other. We sneer at earlier diegetic styles, of reader address. But in a way, “Dear reader” is more honest and more transparent. I think that different stories lend themselves to different levels of authorial presence. This story isn’t in the present tense. It is narrated by a the character at long remove from the event (“that would forever remain the faithful source of my most productive masturbatory fantasy”). I just felt it was more honest not to try and cover that up in this particular case.

  4. June 12, 2016 at 9:36 pm

    It has always been fascinating to me how a person can “imprint” on scenes from his/her youth and this story ably explores this idea. Also interesting was how you decided to make her twelve instead of thirteen as she was in your original draft.Very bold! The ending makes it clear that the protagonist subconsciously knows what she wants and is embarking on an exploratory journey. I’d love to see you write more in this genre.

    • June 18, 2016 at 4:41 pm

      Hi there. Thanks for commenting on this. I felt that twelve seemed a better age for this. I felt it helped insert a little more monstrousness that starts to fade as we being to sort out the rules of social order better in adolescence.

  5. JaneAnne
    October 16, 2016 at 7:30 pm

    The literary device of “voice”, its choice and its edit captivates me as a reader. There is a story (or stories if you choose to see it from multiple viewpoints) and then follows the inner and outer voice of editing. Among the great pleasures of your work one is your choice of storyteller. ” The Waiting Room” has always struck me as very rich for that reason. The mystery afforded by its tentative introduction of a third party voice enriches the experience of lifting the curtain on internal as well as external eroticism.

  6. Namira
    March 19, 2017 at 12:47 pm

    This is a beautiful piece. Reminds me of all the times ive felt unjustly turned on under circumstances that were probably not very erotic. Also an ode to teenage sexuality, society likes to pretend that it doesn’t exist. But sexual desire has a very wide range in both intensity, frequency and the age we start/ stop feeling it.
    Id like to read something by you that deals female with sexuality in old age. Ive read a lot of older male/ younger female, but mostly from the younger one’s perspective. An older female / male from female perspective would be nice. Especially one that looks at the changes that women’s bodies undergo.

    • March 20, 2017 at 8:20 pm

      That’s a great challenge I shall try to attend to

  7. Valerie R
    July 18, 2017 at 1:23 am

    I love how such a short vignette can convey such a well developed scene and characters. Wonderful!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

19 − 11 =