This is in response to a very disappointingly unnuanced article published in the Atlantic Monthly.
So, you’ve just seen Fifty Shades of Grey, or you read the book, or both and you’re thinking… wow, that’s looks sexy. I could go for some of that….
Okay, I really hope you read this fully and take what I’ve written here to heart and give it some deep consideration.
1. Fifty Shades of Grey is fiction, written for the purposes of selling books. It was written by a woman who is NOT a practitioner of BDSM and knows literally fuck all about it. It’s an amusing read, a sexy film, whatever. It has no data in it that is reliable for you to apply to real life. Watching Top Gun can’t teach you how to fly a plane and FSOG contains NO practical info on BDSM. Similarly, the stories you will find on this site are fictional. They are not self-help guides, or how to manuals. In fact, quite the opposite. Narrative form leans towards conflict, not harmony. My characters are not admirable, healthy people. They might be interesting fictional characters, but they’re all terrible role models.
It turned you on? Wonderful. Have a wank. Have five. But there is very little chance, statistically that you are a masochist or a sadist, or even all that wired to sexually enjoy the kind of explicit power dynamics involved in domination or submission. So, right off the top, enjoy the fantasy. You don’t have to take it into your real life to be cool or legitimate or trendy.
2. Being sexually aroused or getting erotic pleasure from inflicting pain or receiving it is not normative. I’m not saying it’s wrong, I’m just saying it’s less common than the hype would have you believe. There is a consumer trend at play at the moment to convince you that being that way is a glamorous and desirable thing. Manufacturers of Fifty Shades of Grey and BDSM merch and paraphernalia have in interest in trying to convince you that if you don’t have this stuff, you’re not hip, you’re not sexually aware, or liberated. This isn’t true. They just want to sell stuff and they don’t give a shit who they hurt or what kind of physical, mental or emotional trauma results from their lifestyle identification brand strategy. Bondage, beating and rough sex all carry significant physical and emotional risks. Anyone who tells you it’s absolutely safe is lying.
3. Many people who DO really find the giving or receiving of pain, humiliation, degradation, sexual control, etc., pleasurable have an agenda. They want the rest of the world to think they’re not sick or deviant or evil. There’s nothing wrong with this, because the vast majority of people who practice BDSM are ethical people who feel very strongly about consent and the rules that surround the practice of BDSM. BUT they have an agenda too. They don’t want to be persecuted or punished for their sexual tastes. They want to be validated and recognized as good citizens by mainstream society. This means that some organizations are guilty of downplaying the risks inherent in the practice and downplaying the fact that some people use the cover of BDSM to sexually abuse unwilling, non-consenting people.
4. Being someone who gets their sexual pleasure from causing another pain is problematic within a culture that condemns acts of violence. Generally, it takes a person who is wired this way many years to come to terms with their appetites and figure out how to engage in their type of preferred erotic activity while still staying within the bounds of the law and of humane ethical behavior. And some sadists NEVER manage it. So, cosying up to one carries risk. Always. I’m not engaging in victim blaming. When someone breaks your rules, breaches the boundaries you have set, they are ALWAYS the ones at fault. BUT, violence, especially associated with sex is a taboo in our society. People who get off on it are transgressive by nature. Transgression is about rule breaking. So, you are dealing with a person who is sexually aroused by breaking rules and you are depending on the fact that they will break the ones you like broken, but not the ones you don’t. YOU have an obligation of self-care. You have an obligation to understand that you are placing yourself at greater risk. If the world were fair, all sadists would be scrupulously ethical. But the world is not fair. When it gets fair, I’ll let you know.
5. Being someone who is sexually aroused or gets erotic pleasure from being hurt, humiliated, degraded, restrained, having one’s ego decimated, engaging in symbolic self-annihilation, etc. is also problematic in our culture. Our culture emphasizes the need to avoid pain, to care for oneself, to keep healthy, to hold oneself in high regard. A masochist also faces a difficult path in negotiating his or her way through mainstream society. Their need to get the kind of stimulation that satisfies them often leads them to take risks that others would not take. Just because a person gets sexual satisfaction from being caned doesn’t mean they are asking for or deserve to have their spine broken. But to not acknowledge that in letting someone cane them, they are taking a chance that this might happen is to be willfully stupid. Furthermore, servicing a masochist also requires having limits yourself. And although most masochists are ethical will accept what those limits are, some will not be able to do that. And that can make them very dangerous.
6. Shaming, bullying or manipulating someone into being submissive or taking pain when that isn’t what gets them off is FUNDAMENTALLY lMMORAL. No matter how cool the movies, books, the press or sex toy sales companies say it is. It is a deeply emotional and traumatic experience for anyone whose psychosexuality doesn’t lend itself to this kind of thing.
7. Shaming, bullying or manipulating someone into being dominant or inflicting physical or mental pain is JUST AS IMMORAL. And I suspect there are even more adults being cajoled into this kind of behaviour than anyone wants to admit. Acting in the capacity of a dominant or a sadist can be deeply traumatic to a person who is not naturally inclined to this.
8. Sex is not safe. It’s not safe in nature and it’s not safe in human society. People are vulnerable in sexual situations, both physically and emotionally. Society can inscribe laws that attempt to mitigate the risk and prosecute people who violate them. You can take sensible precautions, and minimize the risks on a personal level, but you can never eliminate them completely. If the world were fair, it would be different, but the world isn’t fair.
9. BDSM is FAR LESS SAFE. If sex carries some basic risk, kinky sex carries a much greater level of risk. It is transgressive sex. To transgress means to consciously and intentionally step over boundaries, to contravene taboos established within any given society. The eroticism at the core of BDSM lies exactly in the fact that kinky activities flaunt established social conventions and carry a level of risk. If it were safe, and socially acceptable, it would not be so erotic.
So… this is the paradox that few people want to accept. We live in a world that encourages us to have our cake and eat it too. But cakes and BDSM are both always subject to the laws of matter and physics. This can be very hard to accept because our consumer society keeps on assuring us that we can have BOTH transgressive pleasure AND perfect safety. It is a lie perpetuated for the purpose of encouraging your consumption.
But you can be thoughtful and self-reflective and refuse the Koolaid. Please, in this instance, stop thinking about what might be cool to have, or be or do. What do you need? What do you really need sexually, erotically, inside? Please ask yourself that.
I do not want to dissuade anyone from pursuing their kinks. I am not condemning, pathologizing or shaming anyone who has non-mainstream sexual tastes. I am not a hypocrite. I just want to try to inform you that you have a duty of care to yourself that goes far beyond this month’s hip thing, or this week’s sexual flavour. Ultimately, I want you alive, uninjured and untraumatized. And it is foolish to ever depend on anyone else to ensure you remain that way. If the world were fair, you could depend on others, organizations, websites, groups to help keep you that way, but the world is not fair.
I have mixed feelings about the debate regarding Fetlife and outing dangerous people. Even if Fetlife were to allow users to publicly accuse people of rape or lesser unacceptable behaviour, it would be a grave mistake to believe you were any safer. Meanwhile, its proponents seem unwilling to address the rare but grave issue of false allegations. A lot of rapes happen when people meet in a bar under very vanilla auspices. Do we post notes naming rapists in bars? I still think the best response to a rape is to formally accuse that person and make the law work. If what is at issue here is that the law, the police and prosecutions are not dealing with this, then that’s the battle we should be fighting – for everyone, kinky or otherwise.
You need to acknowledge that when you step into the world of transgressive sexual practice, you have walked into a less safe place. It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be there, but it means that you need to be very vigilant and take responsibility for your safety.
You need to practice the care of self. Be well. Be careful.
Fine points RG…that’s all I can say, for I haven’t read the books or seen the movie, the trailer looks sexy. Even though, I’m staying quite interested/amused by reading the reviews and discussions that follow.
Thank you for this. And for cutting to the core—of consumerism and the superficial acceptance of what is billed as just another facet of popular culture. Most fads aren’t harmful, stupid maybe, but generally they come and go too fast to have much long-term impact. Others, like diets and the link to body image, have some staying power and have potential to harm. I’m not even sure what this newest fad really is. Is it about sexual arousal? Is it about power, or is it about control?
Or have we moved beyond a culture of consumerism to a culture of recreation where any and everything serves the prime directive for entertainment. I think there’s more at work here than simply keying on yet another avenue for arousal and titillation.
You’ve given me much to think about today.
And so have you!
“Or have we moved beyond a culture of consumerism to a culture of recreation where any and everything serves the prime directive for entertainment. I think there’s more at work here than simply keying on yet another avenue for arousal and titillation.”
You might be right. And I’d love it if you’d let me know if you muse about this in the public sphere.
I think there are several issues at work here but I also think it can be more nuanced than just basic consumerism or reactive culture.
Anything that makes money gets capitalized on and exploited for profit, but in the context of BDSM there are, as you have very well written above, more at stake than if it were a girl beginning to wear knee high boots because they came back into style. There is a responsibility for the end user so to speak to proceed with caution into a domain that includes no instruction manual.
As far as being a reactive culture, we have always been a reactive culture, the difference is now there are more easily accessible gateways into things (lifestyles?) than there were even 10 years ago. Part of what made the written form (I’m not calling it literature) of 50 Shades popular was the rise of e-readers. A soccer mom may not be comfortable taking an adult erotica novel to her sons or daughters soccer practice, or coffee shop, but with an e-reader she can read whatever she wants, where ever she wants and not have to worry about the sigma or taboo that can at times accompany different tastes. This goes hand in hand with the point of view that it’s unfortunate for BDSM to get mainstream attention and visibility through such an extremely broken lens at the 50 Shades books.
But this brings me back to gateways into culture. BDSM has always been there, yes, but it’s not been as accessible to the uninitiated, especially in a mainstream context. I think the movie Secretary says more about a BDSM relationship than 50 Shades ever would, but most people didn’t see that movie and the movie wasn’t based on/sold as bedroom titillation as much as it highlighted what two people could get from that type of relationship.
While I do believe and agree that there will be people jumping on the band wagon to try things without fully understanding what they are doing or getting into, I also think there will be people that genuinely have an interest and want to learn more, and do not know where to turn to get educated. And learning in regards to BDSM is not an easy thing. There is a rabbit hole and it has many stops on the way.
I’m not sure if your position in your article is to say ‘be careful – proceed with caution’ or if you are taking the point of view that most men and women using 50 Shades as a gateway to explore their sexual interest have no business doing so because the gateway itself is suspect.
I’ve failed at keeping this reply brief but I enjoyed your article and also enjoy this type of discussion and learning of other peoples point of view.
Thanks!
Thank you for the really interesting questions you pose in your comment.
“I’m not sure if your position in your article is to say ‘be careful – proceed with caution’ or if you are taking the point of view that most men and women using 50 Shades as a gateway to explore their sexual interest have no business doing so because the gateway itself is suspect.”
Oh, the former, of course. Most mainstream gateways to anything are superficial and suspect. The post was very much one of simply trying to demystify the landscape and to proceed with caution. I’d be a total hypocrite if I were to suggest anything else.
“Shaming, bullying or manipulating someone into being dominant or inflicting physical or mental pain is JUST AS IMMORAL. And I suspect there are even more adults being cajoled into this kind of behaviour than anyone wants to admit.”
This … This strikes a real chord with me. In fact, it’s something I am extremely conscious of when it comes to expressing my more masochistic desires to my significant other. There is never bullying or coercion on either of our parts but there have been – and continue to be – areas where our boundaries, particularly around pain, are very different. Just because a person wields a belt, or a cane, or delivers words of humiliation does not necessarily mean that they’re emotionally and/or mentally comfortable with doing so. And, like you, I suspect that there are many who have been cajoled into playing a part that they would not otherwise have auditioned for.
“servicing a masochist also requires having limits yourself”
Yes, it does. Absolutely. I think this has been forgotten about (ignored?) in much of the Fifty Shades discourse I have seen/read. A veritable song and dance is made of Anastasia’s hard limits – but what of Christian’s? (I don’t remember much of book one, the only instalment I read, but I have no recollection of him explaining to her his kink boundaries, beyond her not touching his chest, that is – or her asking.)
To many, handing someone a paddle with a smile on their face and a giggle on their lips may seem like innocuous fun. But, fundamentally, they are asking the person they’re handing it to to hurt them – or, at least pretend to – and that’s a huge mental/social barrier to jump across, particularly in a society where the majority of us a taught from the cradle (or should be) not to harm others, physically, mentally, or otherwise.
Thanks for this!!! I will share this.
I’ve found you via goodreads, where I was desperately trying to find WELL WRITTEN books instead of just repetitive romance/filth clones of clones. It was your review to a book that had my heart beating faster (finally a real, well thought and articulated book review) and directed me to your work, to this blog. Nothing wrong with filth, but anything well written, especially with emotional and psychological depth and truth to it, is ten times more erotic and explicit scenes, between perfect, unflawed bodies. Mah. As a non-practicing switch, I’ve considered this unexpected global success of 50 shades a positive thing. As you said, if it helps reminding people ‘we’ are not all crazy deviants but real people, it’s a good thing, or at least a positive push. I hope the hype will soon disappear and with it the easy, consumable versiob of something very complicated, yet I’m happy for anyone who got ideas for experimenting a little more in their lives, no matter how. Again, as you pointed out, it takes sometimes a lifetime to come to terms with one’s most deep needs, desires, inclinations. I just can’t understand why people started accusing this trilogy of being THE cause of home sexual violence. For me it it will never stop being a fanfiction of Twilight and I see it as a very traditional love story, the light BDSM elements are just decor. I see real abuse in everyday relationships, all around me. But you’re so right about so many points, BDSM can be whatever two consensual people decided it to be and consensual is the first issue, one must be soooo careful, not only physically, most of all mentally. So much burgaining, so many trust issues involved, so much constant possibility of being truly broken and still unfulfilled…Your post made me wonder in a totally different way about my partner and his inability/lack of will to go down the BDSM road with me…I hope he never felt bullied or ridiculed, no matter how much pain I feel for being alone in this…I think I’ll have to wait a bit before reading your stories, I already dwell too much on darkness and I identify very easily…I will, though, I will…
“I see real abuse in everyday relationships, all around me.”
So do I, and I sometimes wonder if we rail against filmic and fictional worlds for their lack of political correctness because it’s easier than tackling the real thing?
Thanks for reading and your very erudite comments.
I think it’s a vicious circle. Activism and debates often bore the average, middle public eye, nobody wants to be or feel engaged all the time about such hard topics/problems in our society, than there’s the constant need for scoops, new sensations, over-hyping often (very) transient global phenomena. I’m all for social studies, but sometimes things are just what they are, a passing fancy, a shared mob shiver. In the case of the whole 50 shades thing, and its multiple clones, it’s getting ridiculous. Three to four women get raped every day and the real problem is a stupid, not even well written book? It makes me so angry it’s not funny. It’s always something, the habits, the honour system, the clothes we wear, the books we read…I’m sure very few men have been interested in reading this kind of material, which clearly caters to a female demographic, and yet it’s 50 shades of accusations. I got dramatic reactions from girlfriends for reading this stuff and going to check the movie…honestly, I found their tirades more abusing than anything in the book, even more so because they were coming from other women. I wonder if they would recognize real abuse if it smacked them in the face. I hate how real crimes against women are bagatelized (is this a word? not sure now..) and stupid shit is constantly pushed on stage…I’d say, very clever diversion tecnique…sorry for ranting!
Ah, a woman after my own heart!
“Three to four women get raped every day and the real problem is a stupid, not even well written book? It makes me so angry it’s not funny.”
I think you’ve put your finger on a rather frightening emergent problem. People allow themselves to get worked up over, and focus all their righteous indignation the ‘morality’ or social message in a piece of fiction specifically to give themselves an excuse NOT to have to organize, act upon or demand change about glaring wrongs in the real world. They can smugly feel they’ve done their bit by complaining about ‘rape culture’ in fiction, while effecting no change on ‘rape fact’.
“Ah, a woman after my own heart! ”
Back at you, reading you is almost making me want to pick up writing again! And yes, totally agreeing with your remark as well. Paternalism has unfortunately bled into a sort of intransigent, judgemental feminism that I can hardtly distinguish from its male sexist counterpart, all this focus on the exterior, the clothes, the attitude, the cms of skin, not even our own private fantasies are immune to this extreme criticism. Maybe it’s stupid, but I’m raising two boys and I feel very invested in showing them what love is, how to treat other people and how to help them accept their own bodies, mine and everyone else’s as natural. A little step towards change.
“The world isn’t fair”
“Sure, not right now, but is that any reason to lie down and take your shit without raising the roof, you asshole?”
🙂
Oh, absolutely. Absolutely raise the roof. And, in the meantime, for safety’s sake, assume the roof is not quite raised yet and be careful.
To be clear, the above not directed personnally at anyone specific. x