First, I’d like to say that by the very simplest definition of the term, I am a feminist. I believe, fundamentally, in the equality of the sexes. I don’t deny that there are both physical and cultural differences between men and women, I just believe that society is a much more stable place when we afford equal value to all people – female, male, trans, etc.
I acknowledge that, throughout most of recorded history, men have had much more power in our societies, and that this has been detrimental to everyone in a variety of ways. Nevertheless, I also believe that some women have developed strategies for undermining and or usurping that power in some marvelous and ingenious ways, long before the first wave of feminism arrived. Inequality hurts everyone. It traps all of us. The babymaker and the breadwinner. It denies all genders choice.
However, I have a problem with a lot of feminist theory because a great deal of it relies on what I call ‘Gaslighting’ technique to insist on its legitimacy.
“Gaslighting’ is a type of psychological abuse. The term comes from the play ‘Gas Light,’ in which a wife is systematically tricked or bullied into doubting her own perceptions, feelings and sanity until she is robbed of all agency.
A great deal of feminist theory is predicated on the narrative that our total immersion in a masculinist, phallocentric hegemony has rendered most of us incapable of real feminist thought. Only the elite female cognoscenti have managed, somehow, miraculously, to free themselves from it and see the REAL truth and, from what I can tell, the proof of this is a predisposition to despise men. The sub-text is that you cannot be a feminist if you like or love men, or get off on being fucked.
I am not stupid enough to deny that a history of power-imbalance will have undoubtedly oriented our understanding of the world. It has undeniably permeated every part of our existence – gender roles, institutions, history, the arts, science, language, economics – everything. However, to disenfranchise the opinions, the desires, the judgement of everyone affected by this is patently ridiculous. It assumes that a) only women have been culturally and psychologically affected by this reality, b) that if you’re clever enough and man-hating enough, you have escaped it, and c) that it renders you incapable of making sound decisions for yourself.
Over and over again, I have seen feminists actively and, to my mind gleefully, undermine another woman’s decision-making abilities by telling her she’s too subjugated to know what’s good for her.
In my book, that places her in exactly the same position she’s been in for the past two millennia: you’re too stupid to think for yourself – allow me to do it for you. This is patronization with a capital P (with all the etymological implications attendant to it) and, if feminists actually believed their own rhetoric, they wouldn’t dare do it. But they do it all the time.
If I have to be honest, I hate the word ‘feminism’. It suggests that our only concern is for women. It suggests that the historical power imbalance did not adversely affect everyone.
I would like to see all of us, of every gender, have the choice to determine who we are and what role we play in the world. I’d like to see a world in which women are not relied upon to live lives of domestic drudgery or pump out babies unless they want to, and men are not relied upon to be the primary economic providers or the cannon fodder in military conflict.
It feels like I can breathe out. I find so many ‘femenists’ do undermine other women by rail roading them into seeing things from thier perspective. If you agree then great but if you don’t then you are damned as either brain washed or your ideas are mjnimised into nothing. I agree with your stance on feminism and how we are all in some way trapped by it. Well said.
Well, here I am commenting on your opinions, not your fiction. Sorry about that. I’ve been enjoying and participating in an online discussion about feminism in the romance genre lately, and it’s been thoroughly sophisticated and nuanced. Here is my favorite post so far, and the comments (esp. Pam Rosenthal’s) get at some of your insights into the difference between romance and erotica: http://ceciliagrant.wordpress.com/2013/03/18/some-further-thoughts-on-feminism-and-romance/ And I appreciate your addition to the conversation.
Regarding the accuracy of women’s perceptions, I understand feminism to say that patriarchy distorts the perceptions of all of us, men and women, transgender folks–everybody–that’s an insight I value. It is very difficult to muddle through our real life emotions, choices, reactions to media, etc. in a practical way when gender is the air we breathe. But, I agree that it does not take a PhD to sort through the distortions, just an inclination to try to do so. And, of course you’re right. Feminism is often a great enemy of women. With its elitist history and tendencies, its no wonder many people reject it outright. Some of the greatest “feminists” I have known would never accept the label.
As a parent of boy/girls toddler twins I find myself keenly aware of the ways I reinforce things, or the way other people react to things about my children all the time. Ultimately, feminism is an ongoing conversation and mode of analysis that gives me insight into myself and the world. And, so, like other institutions I am a part of, I stick with it, hoping to help improve it because I consider its contributions worthwhile in spite of its flaws.
The distortion issue bothers me. Who is immune to this ‘distortion’. And distortion implies that there is an undistorted view. I just don’t buy that that exists.
I’m with you. Fortunately most of the second-wave feminists have either died off or mellowed in their old age. I, unlike you, love the word feminist/ feminism… I just think we need to take it back- in the same way women have taken back ‘bitch’, and black people have taken back ‘nigger’. I don’t think their is anything wrong with having a name for your kind of activism, I think there should be more of it. Do we have a word for un-racist? We have words like greeny etc. for environmental activists.
Anyway, my thoughts are babble because I’ve been up with a toddler all night! Love your work! Keep it up 🙂
Exactly! I had to take a step back and say to myself “wow! did you really just?” when my first reaction to rape fantasies was a captial P patronzing “What the hell are they thinking? Don’t they understand that rape is a horrible crime?”
Well, yeah, I think “they” do understand, given how many women have been raped/molested even in our supposedly safe first world environment. And even if “they” have mixed feelings about what exactly constitutes rape (that’s where society’s brianwaashing comes in), it’s still none of my fucking business to judge their sexual fantasies or them for having fantasies that squick me out. Not if I’m a real feminist. Or if you prefer, humanist.
Lovely to read. As a mother of boys, I would hate to think they would grow up in a world where they are despised for their gender. Pamela Sargent wrote _On the Shore of Women_ with that world in mind.
I actually ran into this sort of thing just recently, when reading an article put out a few months ago about the danger of portraying all rapists in black and white terms (http://www.xojane.com/issues/nice-guys-commit-rape-too). While there are some aspects of the article I would call more sternly into question, the author made what I thought were some very incisive points about the dangers of absolutist morality when dealing with the subject of rape. She put a lot of nuance into her discussion of societal influences and the problems rape culture presents to people all along the gender spectrum.
The comments, on the other hand, were full of oversimplifications and blatant straw mannings. One commenter towards the bottom with no upvotes at all pointed out rather keenly that few seemed to “get past the hot button vocabulary” to discuss the issue in any depth.
Passion is needed for any movement, and I’m glad that gender activism has that behind it. But passion untempered by reason or direction is like a forest fire that goes beyond cleaning out the floor build-up, and rather razes down all the trees.
I’d really love to see more productive dialogue occur between activists of every gender.