No. Not that L word. The other one. Well, there are a couple of others, actually, but they pretty much mean the same thing: lust, libido, lewdness, lechery, lasciviousness, licentiousness, longing…
It’s taken me a while to figure out why I can’t write any decent erotica. When I realized what it was, it actually frightened me. All my life I have framed my perceptions through the lens of desire. And now, it’s as if I’ve suddenly been struck blind. And, within our world, it’s just so uncouth to say it, but I will.
I seem to have completely lost my libido. It’s vanished without a trace. And no, I haven’t just started a course of anti-depressants.
This has been an immense shock for me. Because I’ve had what approached a monstrous appetite. I don’t mean to suggest I always fed it. In fact, I found that my erotic writing was at its most vibrant when I didn’t. I would just let it sit there and smoulder, devouring me from the inside by degrees. That furnace fed the engine of literally hundreds of thousands of words. It caused me to look at the world and imagine layers upon layers of possibilities. It powered all my writing.
It didn’t just switch off over night. It emerged from a period of grief. I had what I will discretely call a disappointment. So strongly held and long-lived had been my desire that I had to resort to hourly mental reminders of what the reality of things were. Hope is such a strange thing, it allows you to lie to yourself in the oddest ways and, knowing this, I fell back on the old trick of a simple and consistent repetition of the truth. You cannot have what you want, and that is that.
From time to time, the pain of it still fetches up upon me like a badly timed bout of the hiccups. But the quality of it has changed from one of unrequited desire to an abysmal cored sensation of having no desire at all.
It’s not anyone’s fault but my own. I simply invested something with too much… desire. And when the bubble popped, it seems that I have used it all up. I’d always thought of it as a renewable resource, but I was wrong. Strangely, I find myself void of femaleness. Not femininity – I was never much of a girly girl – but that essential engulfing sense of being a receptive vessel. Who knew there was a lid and that one day I would find it screwed down tight, looking far more like one of those Egyptian canoptic jars they chucked the organs into?
Well, one way or another, I’ve done something dreadful to myself. I’ve torn something essential inside of me. And in consequence, I’m not Remittance Girl anymore. I don’t know who I am but I’m sure I’ll find out. Maybe I’ll be her again one day, but not for a very long time.
I apologize for this. You’ve come here expecting a good smutty story and got this instead. Please go and visit my collection of short stories and bits and pieces in serial form. And thanks for visiting.
I suspect that it will find it’s way back. Bubbling up to the surface when you least expect it, and when it will be most inconvenient. We on the other hand will wait patiently and wish you all the healing needed to allow the wellspring of L to find it’s new outlet
And even if the only words you find for now are not those that would be traditionally called erotic, please be assured that any words from a mind so profound stir us in many ways.
What a lovely, kind thing to say.
I’m really sorry to read this. Selfishly, because I’m very fond of your writing (and comparatively only new to it), but also because this is a rotten thing for anyone to go through. I do hope you can work through it, in whatever time you need to take.
*hugs from a newish fan*
Yes, what Signs says. I’m sorry to hear you are having these thoughts and feelings. You will be missed. But we’ll be waiting for your return.
Be well,
Alias
I love your writing so much RG. And I’m profoundly sorry that you lost something profoundly important to your core. But I believe in your (and all of our) path and re-finding and re-connecting. I enjoy the trajectory of our spirits and our literary selves.
Most of the time when I have read your writing, it wasn’t the “smut” that I enjoyed but the literature. The smut was icing (just as sex is icing in our daily lives). You are, at your core, an artist, creative soul, and a writer. I’m grateful that you are still able to explore your vulnerabilities as a writer and human. WE’VE GOT YOUR BACK SISTER.
x
Melissa
Dearest RG
I am a frequent reader but a not so frequent commenter. Your words, erotic and otherwise, have touched me for years I think now, and will continue to do so as I revisit them.
I can only echo what Signs said already: Although none of us could possibly understand what has stolen your L-word, I am pretty sure that with time, it will be back, changed maybe, but back none the less.
You have an amazing talent with words, and I for one will always be back!
Stuff’ll work out in time. Take as long as you need.
Be well.
I’ve enjoyed your writing for several years. I return again and again to Dark Garden [which I also enjoyed as a podcast]. Find out what is missing from your life and fix it. We’ll still be here.
Honest and accurate analysis of a problem is not usually a remedy but it is an essential building block in a true solution. You already have that brick in place.
I have always thought of you as a writer, not specifically a writer of erotica. In the meantime, perhaps you might continue to please your devotees as Remittance Woman, writer. 🙂
RG,
A book can have many chapters, one never knows how the story will end.
-TFP
‘sighs’ … I think at some point we all tear things only to learn to rebuild them a new way again. Those Egyptian canoptic jars? Yeah I have a few. I have lost my muse. I’m not even sure how or when it happened but I know where you are at. If you are up for a chat I’m around xxx
RG — I’ve been reading your work on-and-off since April 2010, and I have thoroughly enjoyed most of your writing.
Your blog posts regarding your thesis work, your other writing On Writing, have been as much a part of the reason I return as have been short stories like Escape Velocity — and I have to admit, I was visiting with every post you made of “this emo crap,” as you called it, before you went dark for a time.
Yours is a mind into which I have immensely enjoyed glimpsing through the words you have shared. If your libido is what keeps you writing, I feel almost selfish in wishing you a swift return to its former state — but what I truly hope for you is that you find what you need, whatever it is that brings you joy and peace and happiness in life.
Whether you continue to write erotica, whether you still share any of your writing online — essays or poetry, smutty or smart — know that you have an audience eager to read, delighted and uplifted by what you have given.
Thank you, Remittance Girl. Thank you.
I can relate to so much of what you say here. It definitely can feel like one has come to the end of the (smutty) road. There have been moments when I have laid awake in the middle of the night and felt an overwhelming urge to pull the plug on ‘Vesta’ and be done with it.
Yet, as time passes I feel something new emerging. Perhaps not so rampant as it once was, and far less able to be put neatly into the D/s box, but something that feels like it could be very worthwhile and capable of bringing much joy.
My message is it looks grim today but there will be tomorrow and the tomorrow after that and something rather good could emerge from this experience; something that you come to savour as much as the lust of the past.
Thinking of you.
V.
Can only echo much of what has been said previously – and feel some similar pangs.
Our libido can be a powerful source of drive and creativity (or destruction)But I agree with others that it’s the quality of your writing that brings me here. There is boring silly/nasty porn and RM erotica.
On a personal note I feel as if my libido has slipped away. As a guy that is possibly more painful(?) Or at least men think we should always be up for it and persistently horny. And when it recedes…. it justs feels sad.
Anyway I hope we can still share your exquisite writing skills and that in fact they take us to different and equally interesting places.
Take care
J
Joe, I think in this age that perpetuates the myth that we should all want sex constantly, it’s painful for anyone – male or female. It seems that these days, arousal in the only thing that defines gender. But I know this is not true, and I think you know it to.
RG –
I am sorry to hear this. I know how it feels not to be able to write what/how you want. I hope things get better for you soon. Will be (patiently) waiting for your return.
– Nishi (as always, your loyal fan)
RG,
I lament your loss and have hope for your future. I hope it’s not presumptuous to share a poem by someone who found his voice in the worst of times. May you find yours again.
Secret Music
By Sigfried Sassoon
I keep such music in my brain
No din this side of death can quell;
Glory exulting over pain,
And beauty, garlanded in hell.
My dreaming spirit will not heed
The roar of guns that would destroy
My life that on the gloom can read
Proud-surging melodies of joy.
To the world’s end I went, and found
Death in his carnival of glare;
But in my torment I was crowned,
And music dawned above despair.
Damn RG… that fucking libido thing, rearing it’s ugly head! Doesn’t even come close to meaning you aren’t a very sexy creature.
Your femaleness is secure and sound, safely ensconced in your mind. She’ll peek out when you least expect… and most likely … stronger than ever!
Still looking forward to meeting you in Vegas!
Penny
i was deeply sad to read this, RG. i wish you peace, and i wish you healing. i also wish you would stop saying things like this:
“…You’ve come here expecting a good smutty story…”
actually, personally, what i come here with is not expectation, but a desire to read your words, however they emerge and whatever the subject matter may be. Signs said it better than i could:
“And even if the only words you find for now are not those that would be traditionally called erotic, please be assured that any words from a mind so profound stir us in many ways.”
be well, sweet thing, we’ll all be thinking of you.
XXX
Like many others have said, it’s your exquisite storytelling and writing that brings me back here again and again, the smut is just a bonus. Your style is uniquely yours and independent of erotica. RG the writer isn’t diminished or gone, I think, but evolving.
Best wishes and take as long as you need, don’t let anyone rush you into returning before you’re ready (including yourself), we will all still be here.
I’m really sorry that you are going through a rough time…it can be scary to feel so changed by an experience, especially when the change is in an aspect that we took so fundamentally for granted. Nothing is irreversible. Better still, you may find that you learn to receive in all together different and deeper way when you’re ready. This process of feeling closed shut is just your filters getting smarter about who to invest in. The capacity is still there (even a container that is broken doesn’t lose volume, once repaired it can restore its original capacity), its just the selection process of what to fill it with that matures. You are still here and writing. You still express yourself with beauty and grace. Give yourself time and I am sure you will find that this (evolution? metamorphosis?) change will become one you enjoy.
Best of luck and I look forward to your writing about this journey if you feel so inclined. Thank you for all your posts so far.
My dad always tells me that a person that does not experience change over the years is dead inside.
I’m sure this is a bewildering, frustrating time for you, but I know you will come out if it a different and better person (and writer, of course!).
In any case, thank you for all the stories you’ve given us as RG; they were a joy to read. Can’t wait for the fruits of your metamorphosis.
When one is use to having abundance of L to one day have to articulate the loss of it is a de-sexualisation. It is a ‘fixing’ that wasn’t scheduled or desired. It leaves a cauterised wound.
I remember feeling wrong, bad and tired. I found all sorts of reasons there wasn’t any libido. It was all true at some level and complete bollocks on others. I wish I’d had someone close to tell me it was likely to be a phase I was going through. I didn’t have that so I threw myself into other projects.
It changeed.
I’m sure it will again but next time I’ll be more accepting of it. Franklin Veaux</a) posted about preferring to live forever with no sex/orgasm/libido or great sex/orgasm/libido until the age of 60 (or something like that and sorry I can't find the original post). In delving into thinking about that I realised it is the intimacy and connection that I long for. For me as long as that is part of the mix life is good.
Best wishes for your next adventure.
SS
RG,
For me, your writing explores the unfurled edges of the human condition, the deep, profound parts that are often left unattended. This post is no different. It is a beautiful post that captures the raw and brutal consequences of vulnerability and trust. That you are mindful of this, and willing to share it with the world – well, it’s very humbling to the reader.
Thank you for sharing.
Maybe get your hormone levels checked. Hormone changes can wreak havoc with the sex drive. Since my mid 40’s I’ve had huge swings in sex drive. From zero, zip sex drive to needing it constantly all while being with the same partner whom I love and who turns me on.
Leah, I’m almost 50. What do you think my hormone levels are like?
Dear Girl,
I was about to say what Leah said. Please see your gyn and get your levels checked. This isn’t the place to go into the nuances of the things that happen to us at midlife. Suffice it to say, we change. Bad news is we have these times of doubt when desire is a flat tire. The good news is that it can pass and often does. Patience with yourself may not come easily, but do yourself a favor and look for some.
Recently Dolly Parton said in effect, when asked about the quality of sex with her long-term husband, that no one wants to hear about sex between old people. She added that if you were once good, you still are. For several seconds her comment hung in prime-time air – because it’s true.
You, dear Girl are a superb writer. I read a blog directed at writers quoted here:
Heinlein’s Rules
You Must Write
Finish What You Start
You Must Refrain From Rewriting, Except to Editorial Order
You Must Put Your Story on the Market
You Must Keep it on the Market until it has Sold
Start Working on Something Else
I think this applies to life in many respects. You, Ms Girl, write in a unique style. Please consider separating the desire to write with writing about desire. Continue to write with joy and confidence in your own voice.
xo
Hello Betty.
I do appreciate your support and your advice however, I am neither Dolly Parton nor Robert Heinlein – and I don’t have any desire to emulate either of them. I know you mean well – I really do. Thank you.
Dear RG,
You’re the writer. And boy oh boy, am I ever not. Had I stuck to the point and left out the rest the outcome might have been more sensible. Thanks for generously acknowledging that I meant well. I do.
Best wishes,
B
*laughing*
Hugs, Betty
Hey RG
I’ve been a regular reader for a few years now. And it’s always been about the writing. As has been said above – the fact that it’s erotica you’re writing is just the icing.
I hope that you are just at a point of evolution, not finality. But whatever transpires you MUST keep on writing.
But you will still, on occasion, grace us with your company won’t you? The idea of not seeing you around truly saddens me… However, I do understand. You can’t force what isn’t there, and you can’t snap your fingers and repair what was broken over time… I just hope you don’t disappear. As I say, it would truly upset me.
Take care. I loved your choice to use the word, “disappointment”.
I’ve been reading your writing on and off for years, even before this version of your site. For that I just wanted to say thank you. Thank for you the thoughts, challenges and feelings that you’ve evoked. You truly did make think of the possibilities. I wish the best for you, whatever that may be.
Hey RG, long time no…..
I hear this, what you’ve said in this post, and it resonates in me too, deeply and to my centre. My blog lies closed to the public and not to be re-opened, nothing of any erotic nature’s been written (or done) by me for months for reasons I would describe similarly to what you’ve described – you know the story. Voracious to vacuous, that’s me. The long and the short of it is, for me, that it’s shit, but, after many months of it now I’ve become accustomed to its’ stench. ”I’ve torn something essential inside of me” – oh, how this resonates, again. I don’t know your pain, I only know my own & I know my own has been utterly excruciating, I sincerely hope yours has not been so, sincerely…
I wish you well on this bit of the journey, RG, wherever it may take you and how ever long it may last, it’s another chapter. You were deeply formative in one of my chapters, and however life moves for and within both of us I’m incredibly grateful for that.
Much love, always.
Lilith
xxxxx
As a devoted but mostly silent follower I have to ask this, dear Regi. Is your work tied to your libido? Or… is erotica simply a chosen genre? I’d hazard your talent and lust are intertwined, one fueling the other. And a cruel lover they became. Now abandoned what’s left is the misery of betrayal. “Things” aren’t supposed to hurt us like that… people hurt but “things” can’t… can they?
Insulating ourselves from the vagaries of human intercourse won’t guarantee an uninterrupted life-path. Things change, we evolve to compensate, life goes on.
“It is slavery to live in the mind unless it has become part of the body” ~KG.
It’s a pity that our bodies change without first asking permission.
RG felt this coming. We’ve witnessed a spirit seeking her “something” for several months via this website; searching to find handholds as time and experience weighs heavy in the thin air of her climb. Now let me give you the bad news. I’m resting on a ledge slightly up that same mountain and can’t see the peak yet. So bear with us Love, and remember the words of Winston Churchill:
“Never, never, never… give up!” Lust and Libido will return.
You’ve just held a mirror to my own experience, about a year past.
I was bereft for a long time though, without realising what was missing.
Even now, I play hide and seek with it.
When I find it, it’s so much stronger.
I hope that for you, too.
I’ve been reading your work for so long i can’t remember when i found it. Thank you for all of it – and I’ll keep reading no matter what the content.