If I had a dollar for every email I’ve received from men and women concerned that their girlfriends don’t really like being subjected to oral sex, I would be substantially better off. Not exactly rich, but well… it would pay for a shopping spree on Amazon. And you’d think that in these days of rampant butt fucking, obsessions with cream pies, etc.. how they hell could anyone be hung up about cunnilingus? Even harder to fathom is that I’ve met a fair share of lesbians who aren’t particularly crazy about getting it either. How is it that someone could get past the social ostracization of being a lesbian, but still have problems with pussy shyness?
Add to all this the fact that I write erotic fiction. I’m not a sexologist or a sex therapist. I don’t have any training or particular insight about this from a clinical perspective. It’s something of a testament to what a prevalent and difficult issue this is, that in their frustration, they ask me.
Anyway, I thought I’d offer up my opinion on the issue here, because I’m tired of responding individually to emails and DMs on the topic. I was starting to type in a German accent and picture myself as an aged gnome.
First, let me come clean and say that, perhaps the reason I feel at all able to proffer an opinion on this subject is because I have not always been enamored of being eaten myself. Getting it is still not my favourite activity in the world. I am, however, very fond of going down on a woman. It feels powerful and thrilling to have that much control over someone else’s pleasure. The taste and smell of a woman forges an almost mainline connection between my brain and my own cunt. It skips my rational thought process and dives straight between my legs.
So, why would I be ambivalent about getting it? The stark reality is that a lot of women are indifferent or insecure about their bodies. Not just the shape or size of them, but most especially what is going on between their legs. You don’t have to have been brought up in a particularly religious or repressive family to feel this way. Somehow, society has surreptitiously but very effectively made many women feel that their pussies are problematic places.
You’d be surprised at how many women haven’t taken a good look at them in the mirror. I remember being shocked and sort of squeamish when, at the age of 18, I had a very butch female gynecologist insist I watch exactly what she was doing in a mirror in the examination room. She actually held the mirror between my legs – secured in stirrups – and enumerated all my parts to me with a gloved finger. Then she actually insisted, with speculum in place, that I take a good look at my own cervix. At the time, I thought this bordered on medical misconduct. In retrospect, I think I owe that woman a huge debt.
Second – cards on the table – let’s call it a cunt. Cunts are for fucking and licking and fingering and engulfing. Pussies are for petting and we’re not discussing domestic animals here. I like the word cunt because it isn’t ‘cute’. It doesn’t allow for the infantalization of the organ in question. Cunts aren’t about pretty or sweet, or cute. They’re about being an adult woman with a sex drive and the physical place most of the pleasure derived from sex takes place.
So, I could now proceed to tell you how great cunts are. How there’s nothing ugly about them, or dirty about them. How they’re all beautiful, all different, all scrumptious. How you should love your cunt. Yup, I could say all that. But I have grave doubts that it will make a difference. It’s impossible to erase the pernicious shame that many women have about their genitals in a single blogpost.
Instead, I’m going to address the lovers. The ones who are frustrated by their partners’ ambivalence. Because I think that it’s a far more effective tactic.
1. Don’t go down on your lover when she doesn’t feel clean. No amount of telling her she’s clean is going to help. The proper response to her not feeling clean is: really? Then go wash. She’s probably perfectly clean already. This isn’t really about hygiene; it’s about the semiotics of ‘unclean’ at a much deeper level. But the good thing about telling someone to go and wash – or washing her yourself – is that after the unnecessary washing has taken place, she can’t use it as an excuse anymore.
2. Don’t ask. Asking requires her having to give her permission, which entails her having to ‘allow’ you down there. Screw that, if you’re lovers, you have a fair amount of visiting rights as a given.
3. Don’t go down on her from a dead start. If you go down on her before she’s actually horny, her rational brain is in the way. Get her hot first, THEN go down on her.
4. Tie her legs apart. Unless you’re into bondage, don’t tie her hands up, but tying someone’s legs apart disallows them from hiding.
5. Take a long look. Examine. This isn’t actually for you, it’s for her. It establishes the reality that you know the territory. I am not sure I can put into words why this works, but it sort of trips the shyness wire. She’s going to be so acutely embarrassed by this that it will actually be a relief when you apply your tongue.
6. Don’t just apply your tongue. Cunnilingus isn’t just about licking. It’s about sucking too. It’s also, most effectively, about fingers. Two fingers inside her while you suck and lick is probably going to get her off pretty damn fast.
7. It’s about acclimatization. If you only do this very rarely, there’s every chance she’s never going to be very comfortable with it. So be pretty regular about it at first.
8. Proximity. This was my biggest hang up, for sure. What I disliked most about being eaten was the fact that it felt very detached. It felt like I was getting pleasure without giving any. So, give her something to do. Do I really need to go into details here?
Let me be utterly honest. I have always found vanilla – power neutral – sexual relationships very uncomfortable. But especially in this particular situation, I really do feel that overt respect for the territory of someone else’s body is unhelpful. The best way I know of to get someone over their mixed feelings about being eaten is to simply not give them a choice in the matter. If you relieve them of the responsibility of allowing you to do it, that’s really the quickest and most effective way to solve the problem. So, if you are with someone who is really opposed to any kind of power play, my approach is probably not the right one.
Obviously, this is only my opinion and, as I said before, I have no qualifications to offer this advice. If efforts to solve this problem end in tears and fights, I think it probably IS time to go and see a professional.
Keep in mind that some women can be entirely comfortable with her body and still not enjoy being eaten out. I honestly just don’t like how it feels, I can’t put my finger on why exactly but it just doesn’t do it for me and I can’t come from it.
Fair enough. Look, some people don’t like and don’t get off from penetration either. However, my guess is that MOST women who are ambivalent about it, DO have what I’d term ‘pussy shame’ or, in my case, an obsession with not getting pleasure without giving it.
Are you sure you can’t put your finger on it, Cuttlefish? 😉
I’m not crazy about getting eaten because the stimulation is generally not intense enough for me. Well…I should amend that a little: I do enjoy receiving oral if my partner is really into giving it, because turning my partner on is always a turn-on. But I don’t use it as a way to get to orgasm because it rarely works.
Hence the fingers. 😛
Fingers are necessary things, yes. 🙂
Exactly.
Actually, RG that’s very well written and makes a lot of sense. From a guys perspective, it is or seems to be unusual at least with women I have been with that its not enjoyed. My present GF being the exception. I know, my GF has mentioned smell, taste, how wet she is, how can I be down there and enjoy those things? Its a perception issue I think. How she perceives or thinks of herself there. Now I love the taste, the smell and use fingers, suck, nibble etc, once its under-way as per your post above RG the she does enjoy it a lot. It actually is if I ask or give her the choice, that it becomes an issue or when the issue makes itself known. I suppose for me, the key points are 1) Getting her past a certain level of horniness 2) Not really giving her a choice in the matter 3) Gradually letting her know that she does look and taste very good to me.
The idea you have put above of getting acceptance by taking a really good look before going down on her is very good! I know its a process that will take time, but there is so much sharing involved and it is so pleasurable [generally for both parties] that it was something I wanted her to enjoy, as well as the fact that I do enjoy giving it.
Actually it is strange given how we take so much as being common now, how many hang ups some people have about everyday aspects of sex. While I have not come across many, I have come across some. There is also so little online or at least that I could find about and for women defining and finding their sexuality and getting rid of hang hang ups. I thought there would be loads of sites, but could not really find one decent one!
Cheers – J
Keep it up RG oooerr lol
And hey, why not do that with vaginal and anal sex too?
Because it is rape.
Seriously, guys?
You know what? You’ve taken my post WAY THE FUCK out of context. I am talking here about people who are lovers and know each other well. People who are willing partners, dealing with shyness issues.
Honestly, I am pretty fucking shocked that you’d even suggest that I would sanction rape in any form AT ALL.
Moreover, because it seems you have the propensity for taking stuff out of context, and because a lot of what I write is extremely context dependent, you really need to stay off my blog.
If your point is misunderstood and misinterpreted then maybe you need to explain it better, not blame your readers. If I read what you wrote and understood it this way, then how many others might read it the same way?
Sorry, I still don’t get how not soliciting consent – or rather, specifically avoiding obtaining consent – for a sexual activity can ever be acceptable outside of a mutually agreed D/s relationship?
I expect people to read my blog with a reasonable dose of common sense and adult intelligence. Moreover, I expect them to read the WHOLE post, including the last paragraph before accusing me of promoting rape. You have every right in the world to disagree with me. You have a right to voice concern. However, you do NOT have a right to imply that I am promoting rape. Please don’t come back here.
Really? Are you for real?
Hello my dear, may I kiss you? Oh thank you.
Oh, oh, I’m getting excited, may I lick your nipples? Oh thank you, my dear.
May I now suck on your fingers? Oh yes, yes, thank you for letting me do that.
I now wish to put my penis into your vagina, is that OK with you my dear?
OMG, really? Asking permission for every little fucking thing in sex? What boring and stilted and disconnected sex that would be. And if I would be asked before my partner would do anything I’d be like dude, can’t you make any decisions on your own? Do I need to do everything?
I’m pretty much as vanilla as you can get and yet I’ve never asked nor has any partner ever asked before doing something. If I or the other dislikes something, being normal, we signal that to the partner and take it from there. But initially you just do things, it’s normal.
Call me old fashioned but if someone is having hang ups about vanilla sex, I’m not sure its the best idea to start introducing bondage and power games into your love making.
I agree. And I explain myself and my limitations in understanding this quite fully in the post. Moreover, I make it clear that should people be seriously upset, they should seek professional advice.
Was that not clear in my post?
“Sir”, you obviously have an axe to grind with RG.
I’ve been with my wife 25 years. By your logic I’ve raped her well over 500 times. Sorry but most well-adjusted adults understand exactly what RG is saying.
er… thank you. I’m pretty confident that the vast majority of my readers are eminently sane, and the few that are not do not require a blog post from me in order to behave badly. They’ll use any excuse.
1st off: Brilliant Post RG
2nd: I can totally relate to the “shame” feeling. I’ve been very lucky to have a woman in my life who not only loves me, but loves eating me out. She’s very complimentary when she’s “down south”, telling me that I smell & taste delicious. That alone really helps with my personal hang ups & makes for a very enjoyable chunk of orgasms.
🙂
RG what you say is true. I’ve often held off a partner from giving me oral sex because I felt they were just doing it as a trade off for a blow job. But I’ve never had any problems with receiving oral when with a partner who really likes it. Have at it I say. 😀 I love it. The only issue for me is that I can orgasm almost immediately and I have to try and hold off to enjoy some more.
For the dude upstream who thinks asking permission is necessary, well, there’s nothing sexier and a turn on than a partner who dives in and relishes my cunt without asking permission. It shows how much I’m desired and wanted and has nothing to do with D/s.
About cleanliness, well, with a partner who I know enjoys it, I bathe before sex. That way I can relax knowing I’m a fresh as I can be. I am a product of the brainwashing by companies since forever that vaginas are dirty and need their perfumes and douches, but I push that to the back of my mind and a shower before helps.
I’ve never done that to a woman, but I do fantasize about it and I think what you say about having control over a woman’s pleasure is true. I think it would be amazing. Maybe one day I will get that chance.
You bring up an interesting point. I do think the whole “I’ll do you if you’ll do me” thing happens quite a bit. And the problem with that, of course, is that then it doesn’t seem natural at all and you’re stuck with that awful ‘well, I’d better hurry up and get off’ feeling, which ruins everything.
I remember the very first time I went down on a woman. I was actually quite frightened and to this day I can’t fathom why. I remember thinking… oh, god, I hope I’m doing this right. For some reason, that first time, I had managed to forget, entirely, that we had all the same equipment and if I just did what would feel good to me, it would probably feel good to her too.
Luckily, I got over that. 😛
Hey RG – brilliant post!
I’d just like to add an affirmative ‘abso-fucking-lutely’ to point five.
My last GF was a scientist. Before we even *met* for the first time (text flirting at that stage) she told me that she’d have to confirm for herself if I was a ‘natural red head’ – and that she would be *very* thorough in the process of scientific validation.
Once we were lovers, she spent heaps of time looking, examining, admiring (with happy, satisfied smiles back up to me all the time) – any time she was nested between my legs for any purpose. This got me so far beyond any ‘shyness’ that I suspect that wire has been disconnected ever since.
Also… though I *adore* being eaten out… I *do* worry (if it’s first course on the sexual menu) if I haven’t had a recent shower… so I understand that hesitancy (and appreciate your advice for future female lovers). Fortunately, for me, my rational brain shuts down as soon as I’m excited enough to be wet.
Keep writing!
It’s also the case that not every man wants a blow job. Seriously. No, I mean it. Please, don’t tell me I’m wrong.
Oh, wait, you’ve already done a post about this I expect. Sorry, I’m new to this blog.
No, I have never done a post on that. But I know your serious and mean it, because I have been with a man who was, in fact very, uncomfortable getting a blowjob. He liked the sensation, but he was absolutely terrified about coming in my mouth. He felt his semen was somehow bad, dirty, wrong… anyway, he was terrified to get it on me, or in me.
I want to weigh in with Adam, though his support for you seemed to make you a tad uncomfortable. I agreed with everything you said in this article. For someone without the degrees in psychology and sex therapy, (or even someone with the required paperwork) your suggestions were accurate, and have previously worked for me. At that time, so long ago, I had no instructor and was shooting from the hip, but eventually found things which worked, and those were what you described. I was particulary irate about the rape comparison. Sometimes the writer does not do a good enough job, and must question if it could have been written more clearly, but sometimes the reader just comes out of left field. I think the latter is the situation here. Like Adam, and his wonderfully sarcastic admission of guilt, I too have taken from my wife, those things she wished me to take: things which were so obviously offered, but things for which she couldn’t force the words of request from her mouth. You were correct RG, sometimes giving permission or asking for it, are not the correct or desired actions in a committed relationship. You’re a damn good writer, with a lot of insight into human nature.
*blush* Thank you very much. Well, I really like humans.
For someone who has spent a lot of time “down there” over my 60 years this was a very compelling advice, and explains why a few women in my history seemed more reluctant than others. That whacko who talked about this in the context of rape is out of touch, and belongs somewhere else.
Mick
For me, your #8 is the most applicable, but not because of the giving/getting thing. I simply like body contact, and oral usually leaves me feeling sort of out there by myself.
Wow RG, man some people should not be allowed to read blogs or really anything that allows comments lol!
How could he be so far off what you meant, which was bloody obvious! This is a very salient issue for many people and he completely misses the point! Rape, talk about axe to grind! – J
Seems to me you go a bit far in assuming all women who don’t enjoy being sucked off are hung up. Fingers and mouth aren’t enough for me, and it doesn’t really matter how skilled my partner is. However, skill and subtlety definitely take me farther than inexperienced enthusiasm, and instruction doesn’t always answer. Quite amusing commentary here today.
I don’t assume that. I think some are. Some aren’t.
Hia RG,
Being the guy who wrote you in the first place and that this article is partly in response to that, I thought it right to make some comments.
I have actually tried the advice given by RG and it worked very well! Saying that anyone who has issues with plain vanilla sex will not be into some mild bondage [if its even that really] is pretty much a generalisation a and pretty arrogant. It certainly not true for many, or most I would say. There is an element with some women at least in my experience who if a little bit hung up about something, do like to have the choice “taken” away from them in a consensual way! That way they can enjoy it without any of their hang ups kicking in. Several women I have been with like the whole concept of being taken as it does relieve them of any responsibility and can ease them into enjoying aspects of making love they may not have done before.
Why is it that some people have to wilfully misunderstand just to troll around. Equating any of this with rape shows such a severe lack of understanding, of what you are reading or what RG has written, I am not sure you should even be allowed onto “adult” blogs! But then you “choose” not to see what she is saying, so no helping you really!
RG wrote a well balanced and easy to follow article, why that is so hard to follow or equate to the real world, I don’t know. NO it does not apply to every woman, or couple, but a great many will have a resonance with it and see what she is saying and for many it would be of value and help, which is what she was aiming at!
Oh, boy, every blog, forum social site has them, Trolls ……
S