This little string we have – this little line between you and me – it’s fragile.
The internet is an amazing thing: for all the data available, and the fun and the wealth of knowledge that even ten years ago was out of most people’s reach. But for me, the most valuable thing about the internet is the very deep friendships I have made here. I have relationships that stretch back for years. People who I may never meet, but I love nonetheless.
It sounds nuts, and there is a huge sociological and psychological debate about how bonded or real these sorts of relationships can be. I don’t want to argue this. Honestly, I won’t entertain having the legitimacy of my feelings diminished.
However, we live in a world where it is in the financial interest of corporations and integral to certain schools of economic thought to convince us that everything is disposable, has a shelf-life, streams, can be bought, sold, turned on and off. If something breaks you can buy a new one. Bored of the colour, the taste the sound? Throw it away, get another, get a newer one. Don’t like your tits, your ass, your face? Buy another. The pressure on us to be consumers is immense.
It becomes easy, especially in the absence of a warm hand, or a break in someone’s voice, or the scent of someone’s skin, to begin to feel the same way about the humans we meet on the internet and the relationships we make here. It’s so easy to misread a sentence, to infer a slight, to misinterpret a motive. And it seems that, when that happens, we often resort to consumerist behaviour. It becomes very easy to treat people like the toy you don’t want anymore, or the song that has begun to bore you, or the pair of jeans that don’t fit.
That person, at the other end of this fragile filament, is a person. Not a CD or a laptop or a piece of clothing, or a package of crisps. It’s not okay to consume them like you consume the things you buy and blow them off like a used up tube of toothpaste. It is so fucking easy to act this way. But if we allow ourselves to do it, we make this place meaningless, and we impoverish ourselves. We hurt people, but worse than that, we damage our own souls.
It’s not that people don’t mistreat each other in the real world. Of course, they do. But it’s just so much easier to treat someone as disposable when you don’t have to look them in the eye as you throw them away. You can do it just by logging off. Blocking someone. Unfriending them on chat. Not answering an email. Like a switch you just turn off and it will be as if that person never existed. With one little click of your mouse, you have erased them.
So, here is my plea to you. Don’t do it. Don’t ever close down that fragile line. It is all we have that joins us. We can get angry, and be pissed off, and feel offended. Relationships evolve and change over time, naturally. People disagree, and misunderstand each other, but if you keep on communicating, then you keep on acknowledging your humanity and theirs. The minute you cut that thread is the moment you shut down any possibility of retrieval. It’s the flush of the toilet. The turning out of the light.
And, if we all keep doing it, one day we might wake to find out that we are all each in our own private darkness. And the people who always envisioned the internet as nothing more than one huge shopping mall will have won.
Great post. Internet did tie more people together but at the same time, you can so easily break up a relationship on the internet. Words now being interpreted in a lot more ways because you can’t see the way the other side expressed the words they used. That also leads to more misunderstanding, maybe that’s why I always use emoticon to note that my statements are for fun.
Beautifully said, as usual, RG. *tests strength of the line with a sharp tug* All good here 🙂
Beautifully expressed, RG.
I’ve seen snapped filaments everywhere over the last couple of weeks…some unintentional but most through disregard, neglect and fear. I agree so strongly with you.
If I call you friend and you call me friend we are sharing of ourselves with each other. We are exchanging filaments, as it were. Some people give me filaments of glass to cling to….shiny, pretty, but altogether brittle and slippery when grips grow clammy with worry.
Then there are those that offer the best of filaments; those of spun flax, wool, or even a strand of spider’s silk. The first two easier to grip when the going gets tough, the last clings, a gossamer thread against the mind you always know is there, impossibly strong and beautiful.
Oh my – this has brought up so many emotions for me for reasons I cannot even express fully. For some of us (Like when I was in the hospital for MONTHS on end) my mind functioned quite well but my body was unable to GO HAVE “relationships” on the outside… and I saw how truly fragile “so called real relationships” were. But I saw how nicely my relationships on the internet grew if I tended them with my presence and my caring and my attention. I watched people grow. And yes- attitude, and bad days, and NORMAL HUMAN ISSUES come up. But it is so easy to share and grow here… and people can still have “real life” face to face relationship AND internet relationship. And in my case – I HAVE GROWN TO HAVE BOTH.
I made it my mission to meet many of the Internet friends I have made. And I am richer for the experience. Because YOU are the ones who TRULY SAW ME when I looked like hell in the hospital… when 80% (real number) of my former friends and lovers dropped like flies out of my life.
Why WOULDN’T I cherish you EVEN MORE. Of course this hits home with me. Beautiful post. Real. Powerful to me on so many levels. You will never know how many times online friendships and relationships have been my ONLY source of “relationship”… and as i have been able to move back into the outside world – I have taken that strength and love- and carried it with me LIKE A TORCH OF LOVE.
xo
THANK YOU RG.
xx.
Melissa aka Snit
I believe relationships created over the internet can be just as powerful as those created in person. If not stronger because you have distance between you and it’s not as simple as being able to hug and kiss at the end of the day.
Nicely written RG. People do need to start being more respectful and start acting like the blinking cursor is a person on the other side.
Thanks, Rgrl, for expressing these deep, vital values. We must continually claim this amazing technology for connection, communication, openness, and humanity.
“…convince us that everything is disposable, has a shelf-life, streams, can be bought, sold, turned on and off.”
Without too much into my own philosophies and the angst that accompanies my changing mind, I find that snippet to be a literal summation of the dissatisfaction I’ve felt brewing for the last several years.
I feel like I’ve been surrounded my entire life by people who practice this belief without a second thought.
As such, I feel the pressure of oddity because I don’t believe in it. And yes, I’ve been that person tossed aside by the people who should have kept me dearest to their hearts as I kept them.
What did this do me? I cut myself off in turn from the world around me… (Still a WIP for me.)
For the longest time (better part of a decade) I rarely spoke about my personal life. I kept my internet presence focused strictly on my work.
It was my dissatisfaction with meaningless interaction both online and offline which inspired me to change that by being meaningful to others.
Twitter was the first foray to accept the friendly overtures made to me by yourself and several others.
The 140 character tidbits have been so incredibly meaningful—especially at times when my confidence was shaky or my path seemed overgrown with personal fear.
So what’s the point of my rambling?
I appreciate the kindness you, and so many others, have shown me this past year. The distance, profile names, etc. don’t lessen the connection. Even if we are transient in nature by our circumstances, I still feel improved as a person and a writer for having known so many of you.
If my part of things becomes a broken filament I will miss the interaction, but it won’t keep me from continuing to change what I find empty by refilling it with kindness.
Thank you for posting this, RG, and giving voice to the dissatisfaction I’m actively seeking to change in my life.
Fantastically written as usual. I always admire, and relish your ease of writing. I agree for the most part, however the intentions of “said” friends here in cyberspace, are tricky, there is a lot of grandstanding/posturing. Which is devoid of anything ‘real.’ You/we could of course argue that this is also true in real life. I just think that truth, and fantasy..seem to have quite blurry lines, here in this genre of relating. It is far to easier to fabricate and/or elevate “your”/”my” status, even appearance. Posting fictitious information to appear more…shall we say appealing. I just think that anyone worth knowing whether in life, or online, is worth being completely honest with. Especially in a supposed intimate relationship, I don’t believe that a love-relationship can be solely conducted online. Casual friendships certainly. Touch, sight, sound..go a long way in fostering a relationship. So both would be nice. A real-life-cyber connection would be perfection.
I don’t have many friends. It’s my own fault. I am forgetful and careless and let weeks and months go by without nourishing the relationships I have. It’s not done from malice or from a lack of regard for my friends, or because I don’t think them worthy of my precious time or even because I’m not worthy of theirs. I’m not sure why I let my friendships drift. I love dearly and care deeply but don’t express fully. Untie those knots.
I am guilty of assuming that those I like are like me and have the same wants and needs and desires. I am always brought up a little short when I find it isn’t so. I do forget there is another person there. I treat the screen more like a mirror and you can’t hurt your reflection, can you?
I don’t know where I’m going with this so perhaps I’d better close and think about it properly.
I so strongly agree. My net relationships have changed me & my life for the better & I value them more than may seem sane to casual net users, especially those who don’t ‘get’ Twitter etc. – I do not try to explain anymore. I wouldn’t even be writing without Twitter. I believed I was a waste of space. It was the friends I made there (yeah, friends like you, RG) who encouraged me to get on with it & still do. My net relationships are bigger and hold more sway than the few people I interact with in 3D, largely through obligation.
Brilliant and beautiful post.
It resonates with me as I keep getting my posts (which are never nasty) blocked and removed by moderators and blog-owners. It makes me feel like I have opened my mouth and no sound has come out, and the feeling of being silenced is very real, not ‘virtual’.
Your realness screams out from the pixels on the screen!
XX
Ah Rg, hitting the nail square on the head yet again. Beautifully articulate post, it says so much to all of us and to me particularly.
I count my best friends as ones I have never met face to face, and am not ever likely to do so. The relationships that I have through the Internet are absolutely precious, and more meaningful than most that I have carried in real life for decades. I have found more support, wisdom, laughter and fun on the web in a day than I can glean “out there” in a month.
Honestly, I don’t know if this speaks more about me than social networking. I prefer it this way. However, the politeness factor is a huge issue, as is the sudden disappearance of people when a bond has been formed. It is disturbing, often upsetting, when it happens.
Thank you for this post. I have just finished justifying my online friends to my “real” friends for the last time.
I have looked at comments by Penny and May and of course your post, I must agree. The people that have befriended me here are as real as the my comrades I haven’t seen in years. I Know If I where to see them again or me certain people here for the first time, it would be just a matter of saying how is it going, not I am so and so and this is what I do.
I know that maybe a little odd sounding, but in the Army if you never saw someone again so be it. If you saw them again no matter how long it has been it is always Hi how you doing. That happened from my first duty station till the day I left Ft. Sheridan. Old Platoon Leader walked up and asked me what I was doing said retiring he laughed has it been that long already.
So here the relationships friendships formed work much the same way. Hello How you doing, or has it been that long already.
To me the friendships developed here online are as valuable as the ones I make standing face to face.
I put it badly I know but friendships after all are somewhat tenuous to start with.
Hi RG. I agree with you about being kind and considerate to others. Just because they are long-distance friends doesn’t mean they are just flat constructs with no feelings.
Like Richard, I make the error in thinking that people are like me–busy and are not bothered if a chunk of time passes between connecting.
I will be honest–I have degrees of intimacy. I am sure my best friends will miss me after a few days but my Etsy buddies won’t, for instance. I might be wrong but until I hear differently, I will continue on with it. Recently, one of my gaming friends fussed at me, b/c she had not heard from me in about a week. Since we are not long-time buddies, I was kinda surprised. But I won’t forget to drop her a note, if I am busy elsewhere. She did alert me, so I would be rude not to remember.
Also, I readily admit I run out of time. I have about 8 people who are very close friends I speak with daily. Twice that number who are also RT friends but we daily email. I have about double that number, who are people I catch up with every few days.
Adding my digital, chat, literary, music, movie, crafty & blogging buddies to that number means I will miss someone. Oh wait…the male friends of varying intimate categories, better not skip them.
I am very curious about the world, so my friendly curiosity is a curse.( But that curse propels me to take what I have seen/heard/read/dreamed about and write about it.)
Some people are not going to get the right amount of contact. I try to make sure I remember important dates and keep on top of major changes. But, I do slip at times. (Thank the Universe for Hallmark, Cheryl & Co,Telefora and Amazon.)
It is very useful but Twitter is too much for me–I have a lot pulling for my attention and it is too easy for me to read a timeline and neglect what really matters to me about my internet friends–their words or their photographs. I prefer to give more attention that way.
I think that like RT friends, our internet friendships can grow apart, fluctuate, stretch like taffy and so on. But as long as it is not malicious, it is not harmful, IMO. Until someone tells me that don’t wish to be bothered, I assume they will get back to me, as time permits. I always take it as being busy, not ignoring or disregarding me.
We all have favorites, truly like-minded souls and those we really click with. But that doesn’t mean the others don’t matter. Least, I hope that they know.
I might be a weirdo but the deluge of ways to keep in touch and updated sometimes wears me out. Phone ringing, texts coming to my cell, IM’s, email, people dropping by, neighbors waving hello–it is a lot. Sometimes, I can’t sit at my laptop or talk on the phone another minute. Meaning that I have not written or called someone I was meaning to.
I need a twin.
Lovely and cogent summary of an issue that’s bothered me for a few years. With your pardon: “Is it real, or is it internet?”
Of course, like real-life friends, we have varying frequencies of contact.
I agree with you to a point.. I have blocked a friend and they will remain that way.. because I discovered that this friend was damaging me. They had worked out all the buttons to push to get the responses they wanted from me and I could no longer allow them to do that to me for my own well being. It hurts me far more that I have had to do this than it has hurt them I am sure. I miss them but I won’t change it back.
Really profound post. I took the liberty of posting it on a web forum (with url) where a number of people were just being nasty. Thought it might create some positive vibes.
It was certainly apprecaited for what it said about communicating with people and treating the with respect.
Thanks again.
Cheers