Just the other day, a friend of mine with a daughter of school age told me about a disturbing incident in which a little boy of the same age, 12, threatened her daughter with ‘rape’. Being both a concerned mother and an eminently sensible woman, she wondered just how far she should pursue the incident. She was aware the that boy may have just been ‘talking stupidly’, but at the same time she could see that her daughter was distraught and, ultimately, after she got no help at all from the school and closely questioned her daughter’s feelings on the matter, decided to report the threat to the police.
It doesn’t surprise me that 12-year old boys are walking around using the word ‘rape’ as if it were nothing. After all, the word has recently been abused and misrepresented by the entire country of Sweden. I’ve read people who say they were ‘raped’ when someone left a nasty comment on their blog.
The dynamics of language are such that words can either lose or gain power based on the context in which they’re commonly used. This phenomenon has been clearly seen when, for instance, the gay rights movement made a concerted effort to re-appropriate the word ‘queer’. It had, for so many years been used in a derogatory manner; now Universities all over the world have ‘Queer Studies’ as a sub-discipline of sociology, anthropology, etc.
It’s important that language changes and grows. It is wonderful to see words like queer, cunt, slut, etc. taken back from the bigots who have so often used them as insults. However I am also deeply disturbed when I see people use the word rape to refer to any unpleasant experience they feel has metaphorically violated their person.
To my mind, rape is an act in which one person sexually assaults another against their will. It is forced sex where one party either clearly states that they do not want to have sex or is incapable (either because they are too young or are suffering from reduced mental capacity) from saying ‘no’.
Having a condom break in the middle of sex is not rape. Having consensual unprotected sex with someone and then regretting it is not rape. Having your boyfriend (who is sleeping in your bed and who you have already had sex with) wake you up in the middle of the night for a sleepy fuck is not rape.
Any woman who is incapable of saying ‘get off me, you asshole, I’m not in the mood‘ or ‘I fancy you a great deal, but I will not have unprotected sex with you‘ or noticing the condom has broken and shoving the man in question off them until a new one is put on is not grown up enough to be having sex at all and I don’t care whether they are 15 or 50.
Yes, of course, a woman should always have recourse to the law when she has been forced to have sex against her will. But every human adult also has the responsibility to negotiate what is acceptable and unacceptable with a sexual partner in advance or during sex. To bring the law into that intimate space in the natural course of a normal sexual experience is not only ludicrous but dangerous. There is and should be a limit to how far the law can extend into interpersonal relationships and under what circumstances it should be brought in.
With the Julian Assange case in the headlines, the word ‘rape’ is being repeated over and over. Very few news organizations have bothered to explain what the circumstances of the case are, or what the charges represent. Two women who had consensual sex with him in the space of 3 days have charged him with sexual assault under Swedish Law. One of the charges involves a condom that broke during sex and subsequent consensual unprotected sex. The other involves the charge that after the woman had consensual sex with him and they both fell asleep in her bed, he had intercourse with her while she was sleeping.
And yes – I just can’t resist saying it. Either that woman is a very heavy sleeper or Julian Assange is woefully under-endowed.
As it stands at the moment, having learned about the idiosyncrasies of Swedish rape law, if I were a man, I’d be stopping by my lawyer’s office with my date before I brought her home and demanding she signed a waiver before I’d touch her.
There are places in the world where girls are married off without their permission at the age of 12. There are many places in the world where the law doesn’t recognize rape within marriage. One in four men in South Africa admit to having raped someone – really raped them. In the Congo, as in many other war torn places in the world, rape is used as a weapon of terror. These are the sort of horrific injustices that feminists around the world ought to be concerned about. In Europe, there are women who have been lulled into coming to countries with the promise of a job and then find themselves being forced to act as prostitutes – fearing for their lives. I can only wish that Interpol was as successful at apprehending perpetrators in those cases as it has been in the case of Julian Assange.
As a feminist, I am outraged that the very normal misunderstandings and missteps that might occur whenever two people have casual sex has been branded as rape. I’m disgusted by the Swedish legal system for calling it ‘rape’. I am pissed off by any legal system that infantalizes women to the point where they expect to be protected from their own bad judgment when it comes to dating jerks. Although I recognize that anyone might have unprotected sex and then, in retrospect, worry about their exposure to disease or pregnancy, I still believe that it is their responsibility to insist on protected sex and/or proof that the person is not carrying a sexually transmitted disease in the first place. And, if someone shows an inordinate reluctance to wear a condom, tell them to fuck off. You can’t charge someone with rape because your ideological heartthrob turns out to be a pillock.
But most of all, I am frankly flaming mad at reading and listening to the word ‘rape’ being misused and trivialized.
Excellent post
I agree whole heartedly with the statement that the word rape is being used to describle far less serious matters than it should. i.e. the ubiquitous use of the term ‘frape’ to describe the ‘taking over’ of a facebook page and inserting comments not made by the pages owner. This degrades its meaning by associating the word with an act that is usually committed in jest.
In the Assange case, the finer details of the case (which haven’t been heard yet) may suggest that physical and sexual violations have occurred here i.e if he knew the condom had broken but carried on without mentioning it, this could be seen as a violation of their agreement to use one prior to sex taking place. If the other woman also woke to find that he was screwing her without a condom, or he forced her in some way to let him finish, this would have been a sexual assault. However, the term ‘rape’ does not apply in either case.
Paula – let me make this clear because I would NEVER defend a man who forced himself on any woman, NEVER. Neither of the two women who are complainants in the case allege that he coerced or forced them to do anything.
FFS! Really? then, do they have case against him at all? The term ‘trumped up’ heartily applies in this instance I fear. Sorry RG, I never meant to imply that I thought you were condoning such acts, I know you were not/would not do that. Love you. xx 🙂 xx P xx
Sweden has very interesting laws regarding sexual assault. I don’t think the charges were initially ‘trumped up’ but initially the Swedish prosecutor dismissed the case as having very little foundation. I suspect – though I have no proof – that certain entities in the world encouraged the Swedish Prosecutor’s Office to re-examine the case and see if any of the charges could be made to stick. I’m also pretty sure that the Crown Prosecutor’s Office in the UK was ‘encouraged’ to appeal the granting of bail. I can’t honestly believe that they thought they would win, because after having co-operated fully with the Swedish prosecution in the initial investigation, having voluntarily presented himself to the police in the UK, and with his face splashed everywhere, I doubt they really thought he was a flight risk. But they had nothing to lose, other than the tax payers money, by pursuing an appeal and pleasing their masters.
I suspect – again, with no proof – that a lot of people employed by both the British and Swedish government have been quietly directed to make his life as difficult, uncomfortable and expensive as possible.
*gives you a round of applause* I couldn’t agree with you more…
I think the abuse of the word is more in the press than in Swedish law. The Swedish Penal Code has almost exactly the same use of rape as you do. They then have other, lesser crimes of sexual coercion and sexual exploitation.
This is similar in concept to the gradations between assault, actual bodily harm, grievous bodily harm, manslaughter, murder.
It seems CNN is unable or unwilling to cope with this distinction.
The BBC at least made an attempt to describe it.
Take a look at the Interpol summary of the Swedish Penal Code http://www.interpol.int/public/Children/SexualAbuse/NationalLaws/csaSweden.asp
and this article from the BBC http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-11946652
People, including the vast majority of the media – including the BBC this morning and CNN and CNBC are using the word RAPE. In a television interview, the Swedish prosecutor used the word sexual assault.
Sorry, Mike, but this is the word being used everywhere for what he has been charged with. And the link you left was for the rape and sexual abuse of children. None of the women in question were children, although you might think so.
The link I left covers adults and children.
I agree with you about the behaviour of the media.
It seems Orwell was right about Newspeak
I’ve never forgiven CNN for having a regular section called “The War on Terror.”
The whole thing is fishy. While I have a gut-instinct that the guy is kind of a creepy Lothario type, this is all entirely speculation or he said/she said here say.
I can’t imagine anyone sleeping through sex with anyone, unless they were under heavy date rape drugs.
On a point you briefly touched on;I’ve long been appalled by the casual use of the term out of its proper meaning. I’ve dealt with enough comic book fans, and the way they use ‘raped my childhood’ is just sad and demeaning to real victims.
Also thanks for discussing this without any bias on the larger issue of his document leaking. Its become impossible to read anyone online with any sense of non-partisanship (either string him up, or anyone who is anti-wikileaks is Hitler).
How refreshing to read an apolitical post on the actual charges without the hubris.
Such a brilliant and necessary post! I’ve been wondering about the word ‘rape’ a lot, especially as concerns the phenomenon of ‘facebook rape’ or ‘frape’. While I am all for pushing the boundaries of black comedy and satire, I think there needs to be more sensitivity to the importance of words and their effect on society. Trivialising words like ‘rape’ is really very serious and we as a society should not be encouraging it (and I will admit that I have been guilty of that in the past). And don’t get me started on the Assange thing; isn’t it convenient that he did something he can’t be prosecuted for and then, all of a sudden, he’s a sex offender. Hmm.
Thank you for writing this.
LGS xx
Wonderful post. Thank you.
Really bloody pissed off about the whole thing. LESBIAN is also being warped. It seems to be the fave insult in the playground this term. I could never be a teacher.
It’s pretty fucked up.
To play devil’s advocate a little, the dictionary definition for rape does include non-sexual meanings. The OED is full of alternative meanings (although many of them are archaic) and the dictionary on my mac lists the figuartive meanings of spoiling a place or area – so it’s not a word that can’t be used alternatively, it’s just a case of whether people feel it’s appropriate to use it to refer to anything other than sexual assault.
You’re right though, the press (probably more so than ‘the entire country of Sweden’) have been very misleading in reporting Assange’s actions as rape – with all the connotations tied to that word. I think using the phrase ‘a sexual offence’ or similar would have been much better.
I acknowledge that it does, and that is why I didn’t provide a definition. But my concern is its trivialization.
My daughter uses the term that way. We try to correct her but it’s hard to be the only voice she hears that speaks that way.
It’s not just mainstream media that do this either. It seems to be going on at all levels.
RG,
Rape is a very overly processed term at least here in the states, or perhaps worldwide.
As you said using the word “rape” to suggest anything other than non-consensual sex is in fact a very disconcerting and blasphemous injustice to rapes victims.
The bigger issue perhaps is the fact that society has minimized what sex really is, and what it was originally intended to be.
Sex should neither be a tool for power, or a means to simply “get off” (in my opinion)
I obviously realize that we all have the right to engage in sex acts that are mutually agreed upon. I am in no way casting judgment however, if women would understand that the very act of “making love” is a sacred, and God given act that was created to exist within the confines of a committed relationship. I contend that there would be far less unhappy, and questionable unions. Antiquated, and will be the term used to describe morality in this case, I am sure…so be it. The reason the rape card gets used in some instances is, the woman feels used, and then tries retaliating against the man and the consensual sex act itself…as we see in this hugely publicized case. Shame, is often the biggest component in rape cases. Obviously not in real rape cases. You see much of this in the arena of famous athletes, again because the act was minimalistic, and both parties were drunk on power, and/or lust.
This is the conundrum again in my opinion…if you want to be ‘loose’ or a better term would be ‘casual’ about sex, and its function, then how can you expect anything but hurt, shame, and conflict. I realize that many will disagree with my theories, but I have seen it over, and over again to be quite true.
Society acts as it is permitted to act. Rape is said to be more of an act of violence than a sexual act, and this is mostly true. Men, that are taught or, allowed to believe that sex is their given right as men are sorely disillusioned, and so the cycle continues.
Morality has a very good purpose, it is put in place to protect all people from overtly damaging behavior. We can blame the modernity of societies need to “do what feels good” way of thinking. Again we can can go ahead and do what feels good…but make no mistake there are severe consequences for all behavior, whether moral, societal, or perhaps even global. As for feminists needing to speak out more regarding rape…I think the very term ‘feminist” is misguided, and sets apart the man-from -woman and creates yet another chasm between the sexes. Men, and women are inherently different to be sure, but to separate the two, is a disastrous code to live by. I am offending again, I know but, it is my right to offer my opinion, and hopefully someone is listening.
Western intelligence agencies have been tasked with finding ways to defeat the threat posed by WikiLeaks – ranked up there somewhere near Al Qaeda in its potential to embarrass governments – and the Swedes seem to have come up with the solution.
The Swedish government has just spent a large sum of money opposing bail in the English courts for this dangerous condom-breaker, a measure of the priority this case has been accorded. Now when did a European nation last pursue rapists through Interpol in such an energetic fashion?
I absolutely agree both with your post and with Larry. I think the whole thing is a trumped up charge to get Assange in jail as retribution for Wikileaks ie kowtowing to the USA. I even read an article describing him as the most dangerous man in the world. Really? Ahead of Osama bin Laden, Kim Jong Il and co?
And I would also add that I take similar exception to the overuse and dilution of the words dyslexia and bullying.
For someone who genuinely has dyselxia and needs help, their case is not helped by people who are just crap at spelling and like to hide under the umbrella.
And, equally, we were all “bullied” as children in a mild way – kids are by nature pretty cruel. But it wasn’t cruel, as such. Calling a redhead a gingernut is not bullying in my book. Holding them face down to the ground while you steal their lunch money is.
While I agree with the content of your post, I find it hard to imagine that the “…entire country of Sweden has abused and misrepresented the word”. All nine million of them?
okay, okay…maybe not all nine million 😉
I agree with the vast majority of what you’ve said, RG, I guess for me there’s one additional concern – that of the acceptance on the part of a 12 year old boy that rape, whatever meaning he attaches to the word, is a viable weapon to threaten or indeed use in actuality against another young person. I find it disturbing the culture of the use of the word in a ‘fun’ way by young, and not so young, people and I see it in many places, as I’m sure many have – ‘it’s rape time hahahahaaa!’ As a survivor of sexual assault and someone who’s worked, therapeutically, with other survivors and perpetrators, I find no humour in such statements, they are crass, unthinking and deeply offensive to survivors in terms of belittling our experiences and it also deeply distorts perceptions of offenders and their criminal behaviour.
But let me go back to the 12 year old boy’s usage of the word, much of your piece is about the misuse of the word, he, however, used it in the ‘correct’ way, he used it to threaten, to cause fear, to assert power over another human being. All thinking adults know that rape is not a sexual act, it is an act of pure aggression and power; this is indeed, in fact, the behaviour of a sexual offender, this child, for that is what he is, may well be exhibiting early signs of being a sexual offender (it’s important to state that in my jurisdiction those under the age of majority are not referred to as sexual offenders for good psychological reasons). So, I applaud your friend for reporting it to the police and I hope that she is in a position to follow up her report as this may well be an offender in the making and your friend may well have been the necessary link that enables appropriate professionals to provide intervention to prevent him from becoming a potential offender to an actual offender.
I have to agree with Lilith. This was the part that worried me too.
We’ve been having a lot of trouble (though it’s been kept out of the media because of the ages) with little boys (of non-Australian origins) raping little girls and other little boys in primary school while in the toilets. They have been gang rapes in most parts involving two or more boys aged 10 to 12 who have raped other children as young as seven.
You have to wonder what these kids are learning at home for them to be acting in such a manner at such a young age. As a mother of a young child I’m already considering either moving to a town where they aren’t having these problems (due to those cultures not drifting far from the city fringes) or just home schooling all together.
I believe the mother has taken the right steps reporting the threat to police, but I hope she also lets other parents at the school aware of this boys threat so they can keep their kids well away from a potential danger.
My long-held fantasy of frisky fun with hot Swedish girls has been ruined, entirely ruined by this debacle. Damn you Julian! Why couldn’t you just wrap that rascal?
I agree. Similar thing was happening to the word “holocaust” in the 90s, when various wars (e.g. in former Yugoslavia, Rwanda) were described as holocaust, genocide, etc.
Eroding the uniqueness of the word erodes the uniqueness of what it describes.
PL
Well, genocide seems the right word for both situations – where there is organized killing of people of a specific race or tribe or ethnic group. But holocaust, no.
rg,
I was listening to national public radio, something I frequently do when on the road. A segment concerning Julian Assanges’ rape case came on & they mentioned that these kinds of cases hardly ever get a prison sentence in Sweden. At the time all I could think of was what kind of rape doesn’t get a severe penalty? You see NPR, as well as most media outlets do not explain the case, but spoon feed an agenda. I wish to thank you for this post.
As far as the mother defending her daughter, I say bravo! The young man in this case needs to be educated that there are consequences to words & deeds. It will serve him well later in life.
Thank you again for all your words,
-TFP
Oh my with thoughts like that at an age of 12 is alarming. Every parent should be responsible for his or her child/children.
I think we like to imagine that 12-yr olds are very innocent. But there’s a reason why William Golding wrote Lord of the Flies.
This shows how little I pay attention to news or supposedly news worthy events.
I was unaware of this case.
Personally having been raped it severely pisses me off that two women who went home with a man intending to have it end in sex are allowed to use that word (yes I know people can change their mind). No I wasn’t raped to the point of being broken on the floor, bleeding or needing immediate medical attention but I sure as fucking hell didn’t … forget it.
Let’s just say I agree with RG… ‘point where they expect to be protected from their own bad judgment when it comes to dating jerks’ – I just wish some people would grow the hell up & take accountability for their own damn actions.
This is exactly what disturbs me. Women who are ‘raped’ don’t have breakfast or party with their rapist afterward. The whole debacle puts us, as women, back a long way, because it’s important that rape NOT be a fuzzy, arbitrarily defined thing. It’s vitally important that everyone, both male and female, have a very firm understanding of exactly what rape is. Otherwise, it makes getting convictions on real rapes – where the woman has said ‘no’ and meant ‘no’ – much harder to get.
Sadly RG many of us don’t take it to court … which is a horrible thing in & of itself. It shows a weakness in my own character that shames me but means that the offender will never actually get a conviction.
I find the courts seem intent on finding fault with the ‘victims’ (damn I hate that word but cannot think of a suitable replacement word!) which in situations such as the one you outlined I can see where the courts have need to.
ps…
I’m still working on my tentacle sex story, I know its been almost a year past the due date but I think its not to bad….*grins*
RG, wonderful post. Thank you for the elaboration that points out every aspect i have thought or felt about this matter….